This is what I used to want to be. Then i grew frustrated. (Warning: Potty Mouthed rant to follow)

Forget Teaching.

Yea i said it. Lemme start off by saying, no i didn't get the job in ny. And that's ok. I was blown that i failed at my objective, but that's not why i write this.

Have you ever been so passionate about something, that you're willing to compromise on some things? It's like wanting to be with the girl of your dreams, but chasing her to bumblefuck Alabama to be with her. The joy of being with her trumps everything else...

That's how i feel about Education.

I like nice shit. I drive a lexus (albeit a 98) that is paid for. Mine. No lease. Mine. I stroked a check and called it a day. My money. I buy Autumn EVERYTHING she ever thinks about wanting.. She's my princess, and will be treated accordingly. I like tailored suits, and fine upscale eating.

I was willing to give ALL of that up... to teach. Suddenly the 42k (which ends up being 37ish after taxes) became worth it, because I was making an impact. I was getting ignorant (and i mean ignorant as in not knowing...) black men to just THINK about being something besides a rapper, or a basketball player... or a dboy. That alone pushed me to want to teach. To make people even AWARE of the things they COULD be.... a lot of us are doomed because we're not aware in what capacity we can be great in... Not that we're failures, but we just dont know how to mold our talents into something great, because we don't know where to start. I wanted to be that starting block. I had visions of introducing my students to my friends, graphic designers, and minority recruiters,government employees in dc, entrepreneurs and folks sittin on wall street, and telling em... WE WERE THERE. we were the kids who got kicked out of class for insubordination, slept during class all day because we had siblings to take care of while momma worked, and plainly put, we were the kids who didn't pay attention to these kinda things, and wished we did..

I wanted to do that. I wanted to say "look, (most of us) aren't satisfied where we are... and we're doing pretty damn good as it is." We're still hungry. but you stick with us, and we'll tell you all we know so that you can go far. In fact, go beyond where we are. Fuck that. We want to see you do great things.

But somewhere in the process was the hardship of actually getting IN. here's my frustration. A LOT of people do NOT want to be teachers. a lot of people teach because it's the only thing available... "Hi i was a sports management major (because i thought i was going to make it to the nfl,nba) but now i wanna be in teach for america." Yanno, completely undermines the process. (but my problems with tfa are a COMPLETELY separate convo. All I'm saying is you don't see a Doctors for America program. NEXT) I can't get in. AT ALL. and instead of telling me no off rip, they waste my time and money going thru the interviewing process just to tell me no... and never seem to give me a solid reason as to why i'm not good enough for them.

The quick recap: (Let me step offa my high horse but..) I WANT TO TEACH. I understand the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEMS between school districts, not only because i've been to private schools, but well to do public school districts, magnet schools, and public districts that don't have the money to provide the tools for "lowering the achievement gap" between the schools. It's bs because i have BIG plans for education, but no one wants to hear me. I don't think you understand. I have some of the brightest minds around me (and a lot of people have that as well..) BUT... I have people who CARE. WHO THINK ABOUT HOW TO BETTER THEIR COMMUNITIES. WHY CAN'T I BE A TOOL FOR THAT? It's not just the people i'm around... i'm not trying to ride the coattails of others. I attract people who reflect how i am. We are ALL concerned. something as basic as twitter reflects that. My twitter feed is (usually) full of intellectual conversation (ok... and a bunch of fuckery, but it's educated fuckery) and WE can make a difference. I'm not in it by myself. No one is. I'm the way i am because my old man cussed me out and whooped my ass until i got it. I'm the way i am because my mother embraced me when i didn't understand what my old man was doing, but damn if she aint kick my ass too. I'm the way i am because my grandmother gave me everything i needed to be successful. I'm the way i am because the people around me help me be great. Period. And it's a damn shame that i can't reflect that in a classroom at an early age. You wonder why people act the way they do? Selfishness. People are inherently selfish. (sorry.) But they're selfish because they have no identity outside of SELF. There's not a community. No one to work hard for. No one to pick you up when you're struggling (not that they aren't there, but you don't have an idea of them existing.) Wonder why all those other kids do well and wonder why lil liquidasia aint doin well ? Who the hell is her support group? And i understand that we as a people aint got the tools (or money)to allow a kid too much time to "find themselves" BUT SHIT. (i hope that makes some sense).

You know how many times i watched black in america, or those things about "saving the school system" and just shake my head because they always ask the old heads who are completely out of touch with the kids? And you wonder why the kids dont listen? are you fucking serious?

well now that i've ranted about education...

I quit. Not that i can't do it... But damn if the money of the i.t. field doesn't sound better. I mean if i'm going to be this stressed out about things, I might as well count my money right? Pretty shallow, but all this bullshit that i've had to go thru and to be the SAME PLACE i was before i started college? not un. Go get my masters? Spend 20-30k more to make 5k more? KISS MY ASS. oh it's not about the money. you're right. It never has been. but i be damned if being a teacher automatically pays the bills. Kiss my ass with that. It's high on prestige. IS IT? I become the father, caregiver, babysitter, educator, and i can't even get a THANK YOU? shit.

I remember driving in the snow last winter (The Snowtorious B.I.G. out here in dc.) and along the way i stopped to help people. i was perfectly fine at home, but I knew that there were gonna be people who needed help. I got one thank you outta 5 people. And that one thank you made it worth it... but damn it's like if people needed help... and they were just like .. NO DONT HELP ME... as they were struggling. That's where i am with education.

I guess i'll write about i.t. later. I'm not nearly as passionate about computers as i am about real people and real problems.. but... *shrug*

I'm sorry i have to end it like that, but i just ended up ranting about education. Does that mean i care? :-\

I should post the email that i wrote my mentor one day.