So it's 2:20. And i'm awake. And i hurt. I dont know what the fuck you were doing... but i'm sure that if/when i find out... it'll all make sense in that "damnit randy why are you doing it" kinda way. please dont tell me you were preppin for miami... i can't hear that, after me and gary gassin you up for that trip. Tell me you were making fun of sterling, and just being that uncoordinated just caught up with you. That's the story, and i'm sticking to it. (ps- they're gonna retire your 00 jersey... yea you're stuck with it now)

On a real basic level... I was blessed with a little sister... and then i got your dumb ass. And even when you and mike were goin thru with it, you knew that if you ever needed anything... i had your back. Hell i let you drive lexy! I tried to teach you the finer things in life (LIKE HOW TO TALK TO OLDER WOMEN) and in turn you drove me nuts. Headache after headache... wondering if it would ever make sense to you... but you know what... it was great. The older you got (ps- i aint forgot you dodged me for your 21st birthday, bitch) the more i saw you figuring out what you wanted to do... and that made me happy. I don't get it man... you were gettin there. i hadn't had to smack the shit outta you in a WHILE. we were just at the bar last friday... and you were throwin up all on the lexus! like, i just dont get it man. cap and gown, tryna get that party promotion thing goin, had you a nice lil thang on the side... mannnn you were set to do great things, waaayyy past where i was at your age. As much as i'd never tell you (because you'd let up) I was proud of your ass. not proud of the manatees you would slay so much, but you were learning. I saw that when we were at velvet last week. I remember when you got that weak ass system in your car... and didn't have the mind to ask me nor darin for any help. what a waste of money. you've come a long way.

What i'm tryna say in my own backwards way...

I appreciate havin you around, my dude.. and even tho you messed up my favorite shoes, had sex in my house, ate all the oatmeal cookies, took alaina and ronda away from me, never made a pass on the cousin, and all that other shit that i usta cuss you out for.....

You were family. Don't forget that.

r.i.p. normal guy... lmao.

OH WAIT... AND WE ALMOST HAD TO BEAT SOMEONE'S ASS.

this is why you can't let a bunch of people from the D be in one spot.

of course... Audia told the story about how we met. :-\ lmao. yea now everyone knows. lol.

First off: i'm listening to Zhane- rendezvous. if you dont know who Zhane is.. you might wanna ask an adult.

ok.

What i am tired of... is building up black women who are the shit. I'm talking about beautiful, intelligent, introspective, caring black women who allow ignorant men to destroy their self worth. I feel like i went thru this on the last post. but it's still evident now... at 23. i thought those games would disappear as we got older and started to appreciate the talents that we have and the things that we all bring to the table. apparently not.

edit: Before i go any further.... I understand that everyone needs reassurance.. and i SUPPORT THAT. positive reinforcement is GREAT. what i don't like is the fact that its so needed to reinforce people. it's supposed to be a pick me up, not a crutch.. hope that makes sense. I want everyone to do well.. ESPECIALLY my people... and even more... my women. my mothers, my sisters. Those who play the nurturing role in whatever capacity they happen to be in. you can't have a teacher who doesn't know the subject teach... it just won't work. we need to uplift those who need to be uplifted, i'm not mad at that.. because the investment in time and energy will be given back because if they really are about shit and worth the time.... they know what to do.

Carrying on.

I mean and i'm sure my boys (well... my intelligent boys) will agree, it's a LOT of work to repair that kinda shit. ESPECIALLY when you actually wanted to be with them or get to know them.. (you kno how the friend thing goes... you're friends because she doesn't want you, but you hope inside that maybe like the great steve urkel, you'd wear her down)... anyways. Then you start talking ( and i have no problem listening) but then you realize that this woman that you think is the shit (and others will agree) ends up being in all kinds of fucked up situations... and she's done it so many times that she ends up thinking it's her fault that all these men around her have contributed to the situation. so when she gets to someone who can appreciate her worth (whether they're dating/courting/whatever the hell) there's a hell of a lot of work to be done.

I've always wanted an infiniti G35 (but dont tell lexy). So it's like appreciating the G35 from afar, gettin ready to make the purchase, and then when you read the carfax... find out that the shit has been in a few accidents, but you wouldn't notice it until you took the time to read the carfax and get it inspected. from the exterior and just at a walkthrough, looks primo. Do you buy the car knowing that it's gotten in some collisions and needed some work to be done ? kinda the same thing with a relationship with a woman. big investment (money = time/energy/patience etc.) to rebuild it and make sure its legit ? I mean damn how much breaking down and going backwards can a person do before the decide to give up? that's like havin an option to buy an accord, a solid car with less problems (for less money=work) or havin a g35 that you'd have to take apart and put back together. i mean at the end of it , sure you'd have a g35 in one piece but SHIT how much time effort and things of the sort are you willing to put in to get that g35 ?

It's all cost benefit. and it's not even that people want to take shortcuts, but think about it.. if you're constantly giving (and it's not that she's selfish, but she doesn't know how to reciprocate ), how long does it take before you feel neglected ? that's like having to mop the floor, but the person who was posta sweep didn't do it, but yo momma told you the shit had to be done in 2 minutes. not only do you STILL have to do your shit, but you have to overcompensate for someone else's sorry ass.

K it's 1:30 am i got stuff to do. i kno i do. lol. now where to start. by gettin offa this ...