A good friend tweeted this and needed some help:
fellas, i need your help w/ something...give me three things that men struggle with (mentally, emotionally, psychologically, etc.)...thanks

I read it as a problem that black men have... and i just kinda went on my own little mental tangent... so.. here we go. here's my one quality contribution to the discussion.

Being as my demographic is prolly african american, i'm sure someone has heard this question before...

WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?

I usta think that only white people asked that. I swore it was a racial question, because white people always got what they wanted. yanno, the whole entitlement shit. Then i went to hampton. then i realized that the question was not a matter of race, but a matter of awareness. When people really want to know why am i so angry, so frustrated, so short fused for stupid shit.

Lemme backtrack. I went home for thanksgivin (eh... thanksgivin..) and one of my teachers... really cool (white) guy.. was talkin to me about a day that we had open house at my ap school... and my father watched me make cat 5 cables. I wasn't the best person at puttin em in order, and crimpin those damn cables... and with him lookin over me, i was REALLY paranoid. it showed, cause next thing i know, i'm fumbling over wires and it just was NOT WORKING. my old man was askin me, you kno what you're doin, and all this stuff... so my teacher comes over to tell my old man what a great student i am in the class, and now i bring personality to the classroom, to try to alleviate some of the pressure. not good at all. so in so many words, now his son is a coon who takes up space in the class. didn't help that i was the only black kid in the class... and my father is the one who taught me how to program and all the computer stuff. I say alla this to say this...

i graduated from high school in 2004. I visited in 2009. The teacher said something to the effect of: how did you come from your father? your demeanor is completely different, and he was all tight, sat up perfect posture, concise words and things like that. it looks like your father plays no games. Now anyone who knows me (or has grown up with me) knows that i'm not like that. I'm laid back, and fun loving.. not to say my father isn't/wasn't... but when you think about me, you think about laughs. you think about randomness, you think about how i'm easygoing or something like that. never would anyone think about calling me angry. lol.

I didn't get it either. i didn't understand why my father could go from being a very giving, wonderful thoughtful person... to a person who was ready to drop kick you just because you didn't get the cat 5 correct. but the older i got... i understood. the tolerance for ineptitude, simplicity, just all over sorry assed shit does not exist. I didn't understand why my great shit was never good enough. when teachers usta tell my father that i was funny, and i was witty... personality traits.. that did nothing. that made him upset. like that was all i had to bring to the table. It wasn't that i couldn't have a personality, but damn if that was the first thing that people thought about me. as if i didn't bring anything of substance to the table. It's hard out here for a black man. it's hard out here just being not white.. but it's really hard out here for a black man. That's why he was so angry. he was tired. tired of workin all day and doin his job better than all the people who were ready to have his ass fired....


more later. sorry. lol.

Relationships and obligations:

It’s not too many people that owe me anything (from an emotional standpoint… a LOT of people owe me money, yet another thing I found that I have in common with my father lol) because I don’t put myself in a position to give that much to people to make me feel like they OWE something to me. It happens, but the very few people that I feel like that, very rarely let me down. You get spoiled when someone treats you really good, and that’s your expectations for other people… because multiple people (who are great people in your life) treat you great. I don’t know if I like the word “owe” in this… makes it feel like I’m calling all the shots, and I did something extraordinary to cause them to be in debt to me… so I think obligated/obligation would be a better replacement. So my thing is… Moral Obligations given the relationship that I share with people. I think I like that better. I refuse to feel that people I let into my life would “fail” me in that situation, especially since the people I choose to have around me I see as a reflection of how I see myself/ treat others. Yes I’ve done my shit. And I understand that this may just be karma whoopin my ass… (because for every one thing you do, in my world… you get it 10 times worse.) but I’ve moved from the stupid things I’ve done. I can’t be anyone’s side dick anymore. That’s like you dating the girl who cheated on her man to be with you… what the hell do you THINK is going to happen? Lmao. But it’s funny… the girl would have a bad day/be mad at her man and call me. WTF. And of course I would pick up lol. But I’ve been done with that for a while. What kills me is seeing people who are just chasing pussy all kinds of satisfied. Is it because they have basic ass needs (as if I’m ohhh so complex :-\ ) so simple shit keeps them content? I’m not on my high horse here, but i’ve been saying this for the last *looks at calendar* 5-6 years? I just wanted a relationship. And it wasn’t one of those, OH I WANNA RELATIONSHIP so I forced it. That’s not what I do (anymore… people who have seen me grow notice that I’ve changed… which you’re posta do. ) But I really haven’t had a relationship since…. Well hell, Brittany. That was nearly 6 years ago? SHEEEEEEEEESH. I’ve talked to people.. been exclusive? But the title… it’s been a while. I know that all this bullshit would alleviate if I had someone to give to. HERES THE PROBLEM. NEVER EVER in my life will I NEED or FEEL THE NEED to have someone else like that. You kno the whole you gotta be happy with yourself thing? In my head, that makes me sorry when you (I) can’t bring shit to the table your damn self, and gotta depend on others for a change:-\ at that. That’s one of the things that drives me nuts. I refuse to expect someone else to make ME better. That’s what IM here for. I hope that makes sense. Nonetheless. Back to obligations.. (I aint forgot)I find myself as of recently saying something of the sort:
“I kno you don’t owe me shit but…”
“You’re not obligated by any means but damn did you think that….”
You know when you’re forced (or feel forced) to do something, it’s always a question as if the act is sincere? You didn’t say I love you because you actually love the girl, you were saying it cause she was ridin the shit outta the d, and she said it… and you’d do anything to make sure she aint stop? Ask yourself why you respond in the manner you do. Why do people even say I love you? Half the time it’s just to avoid the awkwardness in leaving the other person hanging.. lol. Lets be forreal.
When people don’t have to do things for you, and STILL do? It’s great because it means that they sincerely give a fuck (ORRR they’re just setting you up to stab you in the back) about you and your well being, and want you to do well. You get comfortable, and expect it consistently (because it’s reciprocated between the two of you) but damn I think it hurts the worst when they don’t come thru. It’s like the investment just going down. The thing is, it’s never been anything where it’s been like “oh you betrayed me” but just like… damn, that’s how you do me now? I guess that comes with the higher expectations of being close for so long. It’s hard enough caring for people and their well being, just because it’s “right”… it’s even worse when your ass continues to care about them after their decisions/actions hurt you in any capacity. Now I’m not saying that to say they need to be completely considerate of my feelings… f that. GET YOURS. I’m a big advocate of getting yours. It’s just at what expense do you do the things you do to get what you want? Right now, I don’t really feel like having a heart to heart with a friend of mine who smashed the homie (actually… I don’t kno if smashing the homie was the thing, I think it was that she aint tell me.. hmm.) or havin too much convo with a friend who’s kissin someone I was close with…. Hell don’t feel like tryna talk to her to soothe her guilt about the whole thing. Here’s my blessing, go on with it, do what you do and get outta my face. I’m not gonna waste time forcing conversation. I don’t do the territorial stuff. They aren’t MINE. They don’t belong to me. They don’t owe me shit.
No, you don’t owe me shit… but I thought that we had each other’s back? I don’t know..
Here’s my thing. I pride myself in being very fair with my shit. I’m not makin you happy? That’s my fault… I refuse to get in the way of YOUR happiness. If anyone feels you, it’s me. I guess it bothers me when people just can’t be honest with me. I mean I still hurt, but shit… lol. I don’t know whats going on right now, it’s a hell of a lot of things going on that I haven’t even started to write… And now “Orange Moon” came on the itunes… and the story of that woman is a long ass post in itself. Put it this way though, I don’t like going into my shell, but at times that’s the only thing that will give you protection and peace in a chaotic world. Brittany told me when I moved from Michigan to Maryland “You know you can’t run from everything”.... she’s right. Can’t run from everything. But this one I’m just gonna take the run card, sit back mind my business, and figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Ohhhh cousin randy you woulda loved this shit. Miss ya man.

Generally when things go bad, there's not too many people to blame but self. Bills not paid? prolly shouldn't of taken that girl on that date and spent 100 for a meal... got a headache? aint no one tell your ass to drink all that alcohol. But when it comes to issues of the heart... I always seem to be a failure, and dont know where to pinpoint it. It's not that i dont try to figure it out, i really do.. but it just doesn't make any sense to me. I try to live my life in an appropriate manner, but all this nonsense makes no sense to me. I could understand if i was set on fucking all these women (see: people you know, in oct 27th post), or just didn't give a fuck... i would expect these kinda things to happen. Today's post isn't really something i would normally write for the (12) people who read this blog, but more so cause (cue up cliche) writing is my release. since i'm on that... I LOVE when people say that in attempt to look "intellectual"... kinda like when the fake poets talk like... WHEN THEY TALK LIKE... when THEY talk like thissssssssssssssssss. but I'm writing for me.. cause shit is crazy.

So: from the top.

Went home (yaay for michigan) once again didn't see my ex. that's fine. after 2420943208432 years it finally makes sense that we're not even friends. that's 5 years of not seeing her. it's funny how false perceptions really fuck you up with your expectations. People who know me... (or just have been reading what i write for YEARS) know that i went through a very difficult time letting go of that relationship. but when i finally did, i tried to keep it friendly (like it was in the basis...) ehhh.. (insert kanye shrug?) this one doesn't bother me that much. in fact not much as all, except the fact that we had just had a conversation 2 weeks before i got there. wasn't like she kicked me to the curb and i was just too stupid to get it, lmao. ok now that i got that outta the way..

I am all kinds of ignorantly attached to this woman that will not date me. lmao. it's comical cause she knows how much i care.. she knows she makes my days great. and all that nonsense. i mean its funny making a transition from my ex above there to her here, cause i hadn't felt about anyone remotely the way i felt about my ex, until her. eunno. all of these things are related. Anyways... generally the first person i talk to, the last person... alla that shit. nothing. she wont be with me. she cares about me... but we wont be together. once again... dont like the way it worked out, but i came to terms with the situation (well... on some days, lol). but she tells me that there won't be any me and her... so she tells me to try to find someone (because, mind you, in all of this stupid shit i do... i just want a relationship)... and it's just a mess.

Ok i can't write any more of this shit right now.. like i'm not in the mood to do it.

I hurt. and i don't know why. it's not one specific thing, but damn if 1000 things don't just happen at once.