Relationships and obligations:

It’s not too many people that owe me anything (from an emotional standpoint… a LOT of people owe me money, yet another thing I found that I have in common with my father lol) because I don’t put myself in a position to give that much to people to make me feel like they OWE something to me. It happens, but the very few people that I feel like that, very rarely let me down. You get spoiled when someone treats you really good, and that’s your expectations for other people… because multiple people (who are great people in your life) treat you great. I don’t know if I like the word “owe” in this… makes it feel like I’m calling all the shots, and I did something extraordinary to cause them to be in debt to me… so I think obligated/obligation would be a better replacement. So my thing is… Moral Obligations given the relationship that I share with people. I think I like that better. I refuse to feel that people I let into my life would “fail” me in that situation, especially since the people I choose to have around me I see as a reflection of how I see myself/ treat others. Yes I’ve done my shit. And I understand that this may just be karma whoopin my ass… (because for every one thing you do, in my world… you get it 10 times worse.) but I’ve moved from the stupid things I’ve done. I can’t be anyone’s side dick anymore. That’s like you dating the girl who cheated on her man to be with you… what the hell do you THINK is going to happen? Lmao. But it’s funny… the girl would have a bad day/be mad at her man and call me. WTF. And of course I would pick up lol. But I’ve been done with that for a while. What kills me is seeing people who are just chasing pussy all kinds of satisfied. Is it because they have basic ass needs (as if I’m ohhh so complex :-\ ) so simple shit keeps them content? I’m not on my high horse here, but i’ve been saying this for the last *looks at calendar* 5-6 years? I just wanted a relationship. And it wasn’t one of those, OH I WANNA RELATIONSHIP so I forced it. That’s not what I do (anymore… people who have seen me grow notice that I’ve changed… which you’re posta do. ) But I really haven’t had a relationship since…. Well hell, Brittany. That was nearly 6 years ago? SHEEEEEEEEESH. I’ve talked to people.. been exclusive? But the title… it’s been a while. I know that all this bullshit would alleviate if I had someone to give to. HERES THE PROBLEM. NEVER EVER in my life will I NEED or FEEL THE NEED to have someone else like that. You kno the whole you gotta be happy with yourself thing? In my head, that makes me sorry when you (I) can’t bring shit to the table your damn self, and gotta depend on others for a change:-\ at that. That’s one of the things that drives me nuts. I refuse to expect someone else to make ME better. That’s what IM here for. I hope that makes sense. Nonetheless. Back to obligations.. (I aint forgot)I find myself as of recently saying something of the sort:
“I kno you don’t owe me shit but…”
“You’re not obligated by any means but damn did you think that….”
You know when you’re forced (or feel forced) to do something, it’s always a question as if the act is sincere? You didn’t say I love you because you actually love the girl, you were saying it cause she was ridin the shit outta the d, and she said it… and you’d do anything to make sure she aint stop? Ask yourself why you respond in the manner you do. Why do people even say I love you? Half the time it’s just to avoid the awkwardness in leaving the other person hanging.. lol. Lets be forreal.
When people don’t have to do things for you, and STILL do? It’s great because it means that they sincerely give a fuck (ORRR they’re just setting you up to stab you in the back) about you and your well being, and want you to do well. You get comfortable, and expect it consistently (because it’s reciprocated between the two of you) but damn I think it hurts the worst when they don’t come thru. It’s like the investment just going down. The thing is, it’s never been anything where it’s been like “oh you betrayed me” but just like… damn, that’s how you do me now? I guess that comes with the higher expectations of being close for so long. It’s hard enough caring for people and their well being, just because it’s “right”… it’s even worse when your ass continues to care about them after their decisions/actions hurt you in any capacity. Now I’m not saying that to say they need to be completely considerate of my feelings… f that. GET YOURS. I’m a big advocate of getting yours. It’s just at what expense do you do the things you do to get what you want? Right now, I don’t really feel like having a heart to heart with a friend of mine who smashed the homie (actually… I don’t kno if smashing the homie was the thing, I think it was that she aint tell me.. hmm.) or havin too much convo with a friend who’s kissin someone I was close with…. Hell don’t feel like tryna talk to her to soothe her guilt about the whole thing. Here’s my blessing, go on with it, do what you do and get outta my face. I’m not gonna waste time forcing conversation. I don’t do the territorial stuff. They aren’t MINE. They don’t belong to me. They don’t owe me shit.
No, you don’t owe me shit… but I thought that we had each other’s back? I don’t know..
Here’s my thing. I pride myself in being very fair with my shit. I’m not makin you happy? That’s my fault… I refuse to get in the way of YOUR happiness. If anyone feels you, it’s me. I guess it bothers me when people just can’t be honest with me. I mean I still hurt, but shit… lol. I don’t know whats going on right now, it’s a hell of a lot of things going on that I haven’t even started to write… And now “Orange Moon” came on the itunes… and the story of that woman is a long ass post in itself. Put it this way though, I don’t like going into my shell, but at times that’s the only thing that will give you protection and peace in a chaotic world. Brittany told me when I moved from Michigan to Maryland “You know you can’t run from everything”.... she’s right. Can’t run from everything. But this one I’m just gonna take the run card, sit back mind my business, and figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Ohhhh cousin randy you woulda loved this shit. Miss ya man.