This is what I used to want to be. Then i grew frustrated. (Warning: Potty Mouthed rant to follow)

Forget Teaching.

Yea i said it. Lemme start off by saying, no i didn't get the job in ny. And that's ok. I was blown that i failed at my objective, but that's not why i write this.

Have you ever been so passionate about something, that you're willing to compromise on some things? It's like wanting to be with the girl of your dreams, but chasing her to bumblefuck Alabama to be with her. The joy of being with her trumps everything else...

That's how i feel about Education.

I like nice shit. I drive a lexus (albeit a 98) that is paid for. Mine. No lease. Mine. I stroked a check and called it a day. My money. I buy Autumn EVERYTHING she ever thinks about wanting.. She's my princess, and will be treated accordingly. I like tailored suits, and fine upscale eating.

I was willing to give ALL of that up... to teach. Suddenly the 42k (which ends up being 37ish after taxes) became worth it, because I was making an impact. I was getting ignorant (and i mean ignorant as in not knowing...) black men to just THINK about being something besides a rapper, or a basketball player... or a dboy. That alone pushed me to want to teach. To make people even AWARE of the things they COULD be.... a lot of us are doomed because we're not aware in what capacity we can be great in... Not that we're failures, but we just dont know how to mold our talents into something great, because we don't know where to start. I wanted to be that starting block. I had visions of introducing my students to my friends, graphic designers, and minority recruiters,government employees in dc, entrepreneurs and folks sittin on wall street, and telling em... WE WERE THERE. we were the kids who got kicked out of class for insubordination, slept during class all day because we had siblings to take care of while momma worked, and plainly put, we were the kids who didn't pay attention to these kinda things, and wished we did..

I wanted to do that. I wanted to say "look, (most of us) aren't satisfied where we are... and we're doing pretty damn good as it is." We're still hungry. but you stick with us, and we'll tell you all we know so that you can go far. In fact, go beyond where we are. Fuck that. We want to see you do great things.

But somewhere in the process was the hardship of actually getting IN. here's my frustration. A LOT of people do NOT want to be teachers. a lot of people teach because it's the only thing available... "Hi i was a sports management major (because i thought i was going to make it to the nfl,nba) but now i wanna be in teach for america." Yanno, completely undermines the process. (but my problems with tfa are a COMPLETELY separate convo. All I'm saying is you don't see a Doctors for America program. NEXT) I can't get in. AT ALL. and instead of telling me no off rip, they waste my time and money going thru the interviewing process just to tell me no... and never seem to give me a solid reason as to why i'm not good enough for them.

The quick recap: (Let me step offa my high horse but..) I WANT TO TEACH. I understand the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEMS between school districts, not only because i've been to private schools, but well to do public school districts, magnet schools, and public districts that don't have the money to provide the tools for "lowering the achievement gap" between the schools. It's bs because i have BIG plans for education, but no one wants to hear me. I don't think you understand. I have some of the brightest minds around me (and a lot of people have that as well..) BUT... I have people who CARE. WHO THINK ABOUT HOW TO BETTER THEIR COMMUNITIES. WHY CAN'T I BE A TOOL FOR THAT? It's not just the people i'm around... i'm not trying to ride the coattails of others. I attract people who reflect how i am. We are ALL concerned. something as basic as twitter reflects that. My twitter feed is (usually) full of intellectual conversation (ok... and a bunch of fuckery, but it's educated fuckery) and WE can make a difference. I'm not in it by myself. No one is. I'm the way i am because my old man cussed me out and whooped my ass until i got it. I'm the way i am because my mother embraced me when i didn't understand what my old man was doing, but damn if she aint kick my ass too. I'm the way i am because my grandmother gave me everything i needed to be successful. I'm the way i am because the people around me help me be great. Period. And it's a damn shame that i can't reflect that in a classroom at an early age. You wonder why people act the way they do? Selfishness. People are inherently selfish. (sorry.) But they're selfish because they have no identity outside of SELF. There's not a community. No one to work hard for. No one to pick you up when you're struggling (not that they aren't there, but you don't have an idea of them existing.) Wonder why all those other kids do well and wonder why lil liquidasia aint doin well ? Who the hell is her support group? And i understand that we as a people aint got the tools (or money)to allow a kid too much time to "find themselves" BUT SHIT. (i hope that makes some sense).

You know how many times i watched black in america, or those things about "saving the school system" and just shake my head because they always ask the old heads who are completely out of touch with the kids? And you wonder why the kids dont listen? are you fucking serious?

well now that i've ranted about education...

I quit. Not that i can't do it... But damn if the money of the i.t. field doesn't sound better. I mean if i'm going to be this stressed out about things, I might as well count my money right? Pretty shallow, but all this bullshit that i've had to go thru and to be the SAME PLACE i was before i started college? not un. Go get my masters? Spend 20-30k more to make 5k more? KISS MY ASS. oh it's not about the money. you're right. It never has been. but i be damned if being a teacher automatically pays the bills. Kiss my ass with that. It's high on prestige. IS IT? I become the father, caregiver, babysitter, educator, and i can't even get a THANK YOU? shit.

I remember driving in the snow last winter (The Snowtorious B.I.G. out here in dc.) and along the way i stopped to help people. i was perfectly fine at home, but I knew that there were gonna be people who needed help. I got one thank you outta 5 people. And that one thank you made it worth it... but damn it's like if people needed help... and they were just like .. NO DONT HELP ME... as they were struggling. That's where i am with education.

I guess i'll write about i.t. later. I'm not nearly as passionate about computers as i am about real people and real problems.. but... *shrug*

I'm sorry i have to end it like that, but i just ended up ranting about education. Does that mean i care? :-\

I should post the email that i wrote my mentor one day.

I hope this doesn't come off as being pompous, but one of the things I want to do with my life is record it, and find a way to thank all the people who have contributed. What better way than to write while you're at work?!

I've been blessed. Even though I was born in Detroit, I NEVER saw any of the issues that plague DPS right now (Massive debt and low graduation rates being at the top), because my mother didn't want me in just any school. Malcolm X Academy- I never will understand how my mother got me allll the way there on a daily (This is when it was behind Northwestern high) , but i remember having those journeys books (they came in green and red, i think) at Kindergarten level. they were the same books that the 3rd graders at my school were reading. Don't remember the specifics, but my teacher pulled me out of class to meet with the principal about my reading skills. Kindergarten, and I'm already being told by the staff that there's a school that is better suited to cultivate my mind... Blessing in itself right there to even IDENTIFY that there may be a better place to have your child.

1st grade. Still in Detroit, and if you're from Detroit you know where i ended up, the only place that the "who's who" of smart kids go, Bates Academy. You can google that school today, and they still rant and rave about the quality of education and the people they've produced. Also had one of the BEST teachers EVER. In first grade. Terri Ossman, bless her soul (The packed funeral of a teacher who impacted more people than you can count says it all.) would give me extra work to counteract me being all over the place. The most reassuring, yet challenging educator i have EVER worked with. Speaks volumes that I don't remember who the principal was, yet I remember her.

2nd grade I moved out to suburbia. West Bloomfield, affluent and white. 3 black kids in my class, but the educational resources trumped anything i saw in Detroit. 2nd grade teacher, eh remember her name, but don't remember any impact. Based off the memories I have prior to this, It's safe to say it was a minimal contribution.

3rd grade. more eh. The only thing i remember about 3rd grade is that I found out at the end of the year, i would be placed in a magnet program at yet another school. (10 schools from k-10.) I'm starting to see a correlation. Being in suburbia I dont remember ANY teacher really making a impact, so let's just skip to 7th grade.



While West Bloomfield gave me the tangible tools to be successful (all the programs, computers, cameras i could ever want access to) i've noticed that i didn't have any interaction with any teacher,admin, anyone that made a personal influence on where i am today. It was going through the motions in my "formative" years, (This is not putting the onus on them, because i had GREAT parental involvement, even with them being separated) without my family,i feel like i would have been doomed if i had been stuck with them. I know that if you can't motivate yourself, it's a damn shame to look for (expect) someone else to light that fire, but it's nice to have someone to look up to, give you some type of inspiration, i guess. This isn't a critique on my experience of being a black kid in a white neighborhood (as i don't believe my issues were racial... you'll find out later), but the complacency of a well to do school district (with 6 figure households, both parents all that Grant Hill type shit) who believed that having the tools without the passion would generate results. Granted, it works often, but in this case methinksnot. None of the teachers I had in W.B. would have put up any kind of production in DPS. Teachers have to care. The teachers out there were blessed with being intelligent, but lacked the compassion, the joy that an educator should have.

I was about to blog but...

this just in...

No one reads blogs on weekends. I just learned that.

*shrugs, walks away*

See yall monday.

oh and.. HAPPY JUNETEENTH!

As you prolly already know, I'm trying to save the world. I'm not trying to be rich, or famous... I dont need anyone to validate me... But two things i'm passionate about, taking care of my little sister, and trying to save the black community, i often have the serious tone when discussing.

Here's a new issue. Everyone knows that i'm set on saving black people. (not that i'm the savior, but damn i want to be active in assisting) Not that other races dont need help in the educational field, but if you can't take care of your own, who will? It's conflicting because sometimes i feel bad that i'm focused on techniques to be effective in black neighborhoods. You know what? It's not just any black neighborhood though. Even though West Bloomfield (where i grew up) has its fair share of black people (now), I just don't feel a need to teach there. I guess because of the average household income, the money the school district gets, and the higher likelihood of parental involvement out there makes me feel like these kids dont NEED my intervention. (i say all of this like i know i'll make a difference. Behind all this big talk and these idea is a big bundle of fear that i'd fail.) Socioeconomic status + race = my mindframe. I guess you could say i'm a critical race marxist? Does that exist? I feel like i need to read more.

Speaking of reading... This is what i'm reading now. The Trouble With Black Boys and it's got me motivated to put myself in position to help. I'm convinced that i'm going back to school, which means that I'll be making less money since i'll be spending more time getting another degree, but i'm hungry right now. I need to do it before i grow complacent (which is prolly #1 on my personal worry list)with the situation i'm in now. I miss being challenged. But if i don't challenge myself, i'm a sorry mfa. I should never have to look for someone else to challenge me. If you can't get inspiration from yourself, you're doing something wrong (imo).

Nonetheless, the new issue is me explaining why i want to teach without sounding like a racist to the hr department or whoever decides to interview me. In almost every interview i've been in, it's been a white person interviewing... And it's the scariest shit ever, because for the first time in my life I really have to use a filter. When they ask me "why do i want to teach" I'm so uncomfortable. I can talk about it to random black people (because i swear they have a shared experience/background), I can hide behind this blog and say what i want, because i'm sure i'm not gonna get a job from this blog, but when it comes to being professional and potentially employed in a position of molding these kids... I worry that my opinions may be too much. Not because they're white superiors, cause i rub a LOT of black people the wrong way with my opinions (ask my current employer). But i dunno, teaching is a little bit different, because I'm around the kids more than the parents are in a lot of cases. You put me in a classroom with some impressionable kids, and now we got a bunch of lil nat turner's in mr woods' classroom (Which i wouldn't mind, cause at least the kids believe in SOMETHING.) I worry. I want to save the world, but my ass is too scared to say what i believe in. I can't discuss socioeconomic injustices, point out inconsistencies and bullshit in the system in my interview... I'll NEVER get hired. it's like i have to learn a new song and dance.

Ok done for now.

If you read my blog... this one might make you not wanna read anymore. And I respect that. but...

First off. Congrats to the 2010 Graduates of Hampton University. You busted your ass (well, some of yall) and you made it out. Do it big. Blah blah bullshit, but it's an accomplishment, be happy that you've made it this far. You're not done, go on to do great things...

*throws record out the muthafuckin window*

This shit is right on time. I was pissed DURING graduation, I was pissed AFTER graduation, i was pissed at work today, and i was pissed when i came home.

So i got on twitter (yanno, the abyss.)

and they were talking about hbcu's. Yes. right on time.

So. Back to hampton university.

Fuck this school right now. Great that the president was there. Hooray. I support that. But you lost me when you didn't even MENTION. MENTION. the two seniors who passed in completely TRAGIC fashion this school year. Granted, one of them was like a little brother to me, so i might be a little bit biased. But one of the reasons i went to a hbcu was because I grew up in a white neighborhood (where i was one of 3 black kids in the whole 2nd grade... i think it was 1 of 20 for the whole elementary school or some shit) and i wanted to understand my people better. I didn't want to be the delusional "educated" out of touch black person. I didn't want to be afraid to be around black people. I didn't want to bring home a white girl (lol, sorry). I didn't want to think (or be brainwashed) into thinking that all black people had to offer was the headline on the news.

I'm glad the president was there. That gives me both ends of the spectrum. That gives me the selfish, triflin, negroes who are alumni, boosters, students of hampton university, and then the president.

Let me stop. All of yall don't fit in this, like all people who graduated from Stanford (if you don't know me, that's the ONLY school i didn't get in.. so i lust.) are geniuses or some shit. Don't let the degree and the seal fool you. And i guess that's my thing. Just cause yall graduated from a hbcu, don't mean you my brother/sister.

Let's keep it real... If you graduate from a pwi.. (i'll use the example of the ones i applied to for the rest of the convo) If you're a journalism grad... What's more likely to get you interviewed? The Mizzou/Northwestern Degree or the Howard/Hampton degree? And i'm going to stop, because i know grads from ALL of those schools, and they KNOW i love them dearly, and they are some talented mf'as(talent will shine wherever the fuck you are.). But I'm also not doing the hiring. It's like when the beautiful chocolate woman is walking down the street... and they say, "Oh she's cute for a dark skinned woman" like being fucking chocolate is a handicap. I hope that makes sense.

Ok wait. I'm from the english department at hampton university. The word signifyin and coon may not be appreciated anywhere else the way we do. (well coon, but... digress) I have PRIDE in my department. that was/is my family. Many a night explicating brought us together, and that's why i still beat myself up about wanting to teach there. I LOVE MY DEPARTMENT. and i have no problem saying that. But that was as big as my community existed at hampton. I mean sure you find some people that you care about, but overall? I was really let down. There's a few professors that had a major impact, and i appreciate that (ESPECIALLY being in education), but maybe my perception of actually being a community was skewed. Damn you A Different World.

I should ask my friend about why he thought little hampton and big hampton existed.
Little hampton were the people who were really interested in making change amongst the things that went on, and then big hampton was just the student body. I wasn't a lame in college, so it aint no hostility with that. Little hampton didn't consist of a bunch of awkward "revolutionaries" that would ostracize people at a blink... ok not ALL of them. But what bothered me was that little hampton was getting smaller, and big hampton was getting... well bigger. Of course president harvey likes his money so he'll just let ANYONE in. (not true at all, but that's my sentiment. Have paycheck, will travel.) Now let me step back. Big hampton isn't full of stupid people. These people are geniuses. no sarcasm. There were some extremely brilliant people who came thru big hampton, great gpa's and in grad/law/med school... I'm with it. What i don't get is WHY they're there.

and now we're back to graduation.

One thing Dr. Foster forced down his thesis class's throats was the idea of community. We were so fucking oblivious to what each other was saying/trying to say, that we couldn't help each other. We were so stuck in books, that we always thought that some dead philosopher (and gates... who just used way too many fuckin words to say nothing :-x ) was the end all be all of what we knew. Like we had excluded and discounted our community from being at the table with this discussion, just because it was intellectual. It wasn't like we hated each other. we hung out with each other after class, drank together, and just chilled. We were friends when it was time to bullshit, but we couldn't use each other as a resource when shit was important? Bullshit. I think i got it (because I was older than the folks i took thesis with... that's another story) but they didn't. But WE (the community) grew into understanding. why? Because the thesis class before us came back, called us, helped us, guided us... and shit like that. It wasn't no finding forrester type shit, but there was a bond between the people who had already handled it and the people who wanted to be there. It's like Reggie Miller talking to Steph Curry about how to shoot. And suddenly It made sense. and then we have crosstalk. we're looking at the same thing, but see two different things. and we talk about it, and we LEARN. we have applied what we see as truth, and had an intellectual conversation about it. Community works together to get the job done. After we had individual mock defenses outside of class as a community, we defended our thesis... and after that we celebrated. TOGETHER. I aint saying you gotta be all up on each other, but what i'm saying is, we all are in it together. If some of those english majors aint call me before class, I woulda missed a few tests. That's appreciated.

Graduation. No reference of 2 INTEGRAL parts of the graduating class' identity. If you came to hampton in 06 and you didn't know cousin randy or theo... you didn't really go to hampton. A great gesture would of been to have the parents get their child's degree from the president. A graduation memorial. A moment of silence. I wonder if the family even got tickets for graduation. I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE i just missed it, and that's my fault if i did. but damn i dont remember ANYTHING. If a part of my community isn't with us anymore.. I'm doing everything i can to keep his spirit with us. But that's just me. I'm an old head. And here's the transition.

The culture is changing at hampton. I've been there long enough to notice (LMAO) and i don't like it. In previous years... they woulda NEVER let that shit happen. Before facebook and twitter was big... we were tighter. Ask about the class of 08 and all the trouble we got into as a whole. Members of the same department weren't even clapping for each other when they walked across the stage. I have memories of friends FALLING OUT because THEY did it. THEY remember all the nights THEY worked had, and THEY got thru it to get to this point, cause THEY realized it wasn't JUST ABOUT THEM. and you're telling me you can't even fucking clap for a classmate? It wasn't like it was 3082503850285 of them. it's like 25 of them. Granted everyone is tired, and it is your day too... but SHIT. The identity of people just scares me. And THEY'RE NOT STUPID !! that's the scary part. These book smart folks scare the SHIT outta me. they can apply some logic when it comes to writing but can't see the ramifications of not being part of this community. Being in a selfish, I'ma get mine bubble while everyone around you gets exploited WILL catch up to you. And maybe this
isn't about hampton. Maybe this is about my people as a whole. and i just happen to be sparked by some events that just HAPPENED to be at Hampton. There's a tradition that happens in the english department after graduation, and most english majors(who are there now)can't even tell you what it is. Why? because the school let the professor who started the tradition (or at least upheld it) Leave to go to western kentucky university. Black man, leaves hbcu for wku. Hmm. That's fine. one monkey (no pun.. lmao) doesn't stop the show. These graduates were supposed to carry the legacy. Do what those before you did, and pass it on. Community. And they didn't. And it KILLED ME.





Want to know what the tradition was?


To take a picture as a group, showing your degrees. with the professors who helped you get to this point.

And now it's gone.

Oh my community.

Edit: I don't know it all. And I dont have a soapbox. And I'll write more about this, i promise. If you disagree, and you think i'm full of shit, PLEASE. LET ME KNOW. that isn't a challenge, but i just really value what people have to bring to the table. And I'm not trying to downplay ANYONES education. a degree is hard work, fuck what you're talkin bout. lol. I'm just ranting, cause i'm worried. I'm watching the thing that i thought that was posta save the people (education) go the wrong way.

And, uhhh.. please don't tell president harvey on me.

I think i've finally figured out WHY i write. It's not just for me. I mean my words and my experiences mold my writing, but it couldn't be that selfish of a meaning. There's gotta be more behind why i feel compelled to scribble down thoughts into blog posts. (and no it's not to be internet famous... Although i'll take the attention) One thing that people will tell you about me, often i lack a filter, for good and for bad... But they can always expect the honesty in all i say/do. Sometimes it pisses people off, offends them, ostracizes me... But very seldom do i step back from the situation and think "damn, what i did/said wasn't consistent with the truths i believed at that point in time." i might have gotten some new information to disprove my "truth", but the decision i made was contingent on me believing it as such. Hope that makes some type of sense. So back to why do i write... (this is one part, my real life lack of focus. People like that.) People are actually reading my blog. I thank you for it. Seriously. You know how much black folk hate reading. But what i've gotten often, i've typed out what my readers have said/thought at one point in time. Not that i've typing some upper level stuff, but that it's another avenue for them to get reassurance that it'll be ok. Quite a few people told me, "yea you and i are on the same page... It reminds me of when i...." and thats gratifying. Because in a world where all of us want to be told that it'll be ok, and be accepted (insert comment about how i couldn't care less about other people's validation) by someone. I'm not putting myself up there as if i'm important and people should look to me, i'm just saying that sometimes a voice that isn't yours who has a story like yours is comforting. Yanno, that shared experience shit from skip gates (everyone's favorite negro :| ) that i love throwing out when i'm ranting. Let me find out im talking about it and still have no idea wtf it means. Lol. It's just nice to know that you're not in it by yourself. Funny i just was ranting yesterday about how i was feeling alone. So in order to fix that, i guess i try to make sure that no one else feels the same? *shrug* pretty anticlimatic ending to the blogpost huh? Time to clock in, yall be easy.

As Raphael Saadiq- Doin What I Can starts to play on the ipod. Yanno music tells a damn good story. I hope to be able to do that with my words. "i'm just doin what i can". Aint that the truth.

I was going to write something.

It's lonely in this world i live in now.

I'm damned if i'm on my intellectual soapbox, cause god forbid that i actually think beyond the surface, but it's a hell of a lot easier if i just shut the hell up. Until i look at myself in the mirror and try to figure out why i'm here. Conflicted. The path of least resistance isn't gratifying, but damn doing/acting/saying what you want (or feel the need to, and actually having purpose behind the actions) is so very tiring. I'm not tired... yet. But sheesh. Sometimes i feel like when i switch from the bullshit talkin, drinkin, loud ass B. Woods and actually just exist as Brandon, with real life issues... there's no one there. And that isn't saying that people are just stupid or anything of the sort, but you keep people around for different capacities. you have the friends who can play ball, you have the people you drink with, you got the folks who will keep you on the academic focus... everyone has a purpose. It's a big ass cost/benefit (as all relationships are.)


When I want to think, and talk about social things, or things that i worry about (My main thing is education, and the development of black men in society but...) It gets really quiet. The thing about conversation is that i dont join it in to hear myself talk, or be the center of attention (because honestly i hate being the center of attention), but i do it to learn things from other people. My understanding is developed by the sharing of other peoples understanding. I don't know. Right now i feel like i'm just going thru the motions. Not the motions of every day life... well na fuck it. everything is monotonous. I need some intellectual stimulation. and before you suggest to read a book... It's a little bit more than that. In my quest to figure out how to save the world, I've forgotten where to look for assistance. not to be confused by inspiration. Being alive is inspiration enough. I don't need anyone to inspire me.

My head hurts. BUT. a not so random "ex" who always finds an ass backwards kind of way to make me smile... yea. wtf am i doing with my life. lol.