You know what worries me? My friends. Let me preface it by saying, i LOVE my friends... but I worry about them all the time. And it's not the general "oh i hope you're doin iight, i care about your well being" kinda worry, but the "man... are my friends doing things to make progress" kinda worry. It's like letting go of my past. Shedding that skin that you kept for such a long time is scary only because they haven't really done anything to warrant it, just fundamental differences in where we are at this point in time... But it bothers me. All my closest friends are college educated... most of us are grads (and the ones who aren't are pretty much done at this point) and we're all good people... yanno, it's like a reflection of what i go for. You kno that whole your friends are a reflection of you thing. Let me take a step back... because i think that i may come off as thinkin like i'm better than everyone. I'm not. I fuck up just like everyone else.. i didn't graduate on time, and i'm JUST starting to actually be happy with where i am in life... so lemme just toss that out there.

Back on topic: I look at my female friends... ALL of them have jobs. orrrr.... they're in med school. lol. its funny how the people closest to me seem to be movin lateral. I know shit is hard, i understand. but it's just... i don't know. how can the group of girls CONSTANTLY take trips everywhere... leave the country, all star weekends, just enjoying life.... I'm not hating, but damn it aint like it's just an isolated group of women, VARIOUS women get together and have fun. i dont feel like at this point we're capable of doing that. I don't know, i'm conflicted. I know that i'm not completely on it. But it's evident that i've made strides to get to where i wanna be. I can say that about some of my friends. Others i worry about. I just wonder if they'll ever get it goin, yanno? I dont understand why we cant make it happen. There's not too many of us doing well right now... we're back home, we're broke, we're tired. And that bothers me. BUT I UNDERSTAND SHIT IS CRAZY. but.... damn i just dont get it.

Fuck I got distracted.

I think i was essentially getting at this... I have friends who are doing GRANDE things with their lives. I mean they may not be where they wanna be, but you can see... no questions asked, the movement that they're making. I dont know... It's like (and this isn't accurate of my situation) when you're the best person in the group, you know you have a problem. Now i'm not playing holier than thou.... that's not what i'm doin... But man... I got people i call... the pharmacists, the teachers, the doctors and dentists.... (not that i am equating their progress with a job, but...it's nice to have a shared experience)... I dont kno what i'm trying to say. there's people i met in hampton (males) who i wasn't in a rush to be friends with cause i was fine with the folks from back home....

Was i wrong ? Every day it's someone new from my college time doin it big. i'm not anywhere near hating... I'm actually happy that a brotha can make progress in a time where you still can get shot for pullin out your cell phone. I'm there. I feel that. I just wonder if i'm supposed to be hittin happy hour with those folks. I dont kno... It's like half of my boys (if that) from home are professionals at this point... the other half isn't. not that i hate them because they arent, cause i know that if anything would happen they got my back... but .... There's another capacity i'm lookin for at this point. I really wish that all my boys could enjoy being a young black professional... to be able to go out once in a while, enjoyin life. I dont know man... i feel like i'm missin out on a lot of memories cause of finances. Very shallow, i know. But it's real. I worry cause i want my boys to do well... but what if their idea of "doing well" isn't where i think it should be? (like i'm the end all be all or some shit.) I struggle with things like separating from people who are good people jus because of difference. They aren't bad people. not triflin, not ignorant, not selfish. But maybe i'm selfish for wanting this.. I want where all my boys can have some cash. have a job. have shared experiences. Unno. Just some rants.

And this is comin from the teacher who isn't gonna make any money.


sheesh.

Topics for tomarra: Haiti and engagement.

Two catastrophes.