Emotionally unavailable women. Not the "oh i have a man, so i can't be interested in you" but the "I'm single, and i may be interested in you, but.... i got other shit i need to be doing right now" type. in an ass backwards, painful kinda way... i like that.

I don't know. I say i want a relationship, but that's bullshit, only because i don't know what the hell i'm doing with myself. I aint draggin no one in MY shit. like i aint messed up in the head, but i aint NO WHERE near where i want to be. So i guess the emotionally unavail but interested in you (and that could just be being around one another) seems to work. It's spurts of emotional attachment without the obligation ? And i'm the needy affectionate one. oh well. These kinds of relationships are fun.. but long term i can see them growing tedious. BUTTTTTTTTTTTT

for now? *shrug*


f it.

real post comin later.

Why Barack Obama Should Pardon Lil Wayne

THIS IS SOME SHIT.

now i'm going to sleep. lol. oh lord.

Yea i said it. Lemme start off by saying, no i didn't get the job in ny. And that's ok. I was blown that i failed at my objective, but that's not why i write this.

Have you ever been so passionate about something, that you're willing to compromise on some things? It's like wanting to be with the girl of your dreams, but chasing her to bumblefuck Alabama to be with her. The joy of being with her trumps everything else...

That's how i feel about Education.

I like nice shit. I drive a lexus (albeit a 98) that is paid for. Mine. No lease. Mine. I stroked a check and called it a day. My money. I buy Autumn EVERYTHING she ever thinks about wanting.. She's my princess, and will be treated accordingly. I like tailored suits, and fine upscale eating.

I was willing to give ALL of that up... to teach. Suddenly the 42k (which ends up being 37ish after taxes) became worth it, because I was making an impact. I was getting ignorant (and i mean ignorant as in not knowing...) black men to just THINK about being something besides a rapper, or a basketball player... or a dboy. That alone pushed me to want to teach. To make people even AWARE of the things they COULD be.... a lot of us are doomed because we're not aware in what capacity we can be great in... Not that we're failures, but we just dont know how to mold our talents into something great, because we don't know where to start. I wanted to be that starting block. I had visions of introducing my students to my friends, graphic designers, and minority recruiters,government employees in dc, entrepreneurs and folks sittin on wall street, and telling em... WE WERE THERE. we were the kids who got kicked out of class for insubordination, slept during class all day because we had siblings to take care of while momma worked, and plainly put, we were the kids who didn't pay attention to these kinda things, and wished we did..

I wanted to do that. I wanted to say "look, (most of us) aren't satisfied where we are... and we're doing pretty damn good as it is." We're still hungry. but you stick with us, and we'll tell you all we know so that you can go far. In fact, go beyond where we are. Fuck that. We want to see you do great things.

But somewhere in the process was the hardship of actually getting IN. here's my frustration. A LOT of people do NOT want to be teachers. a lot of people teach because it's the only thing available... "Hi i was a sports management major (because i thought i was going to make it to the nfl,nba) but now i wanna be in teach for america." Yanno, completely undermines the process. (but my problems with tfa are a COMPLETELY separate convo. All I'm saying is you don't see a Doctors for America program. NEXT) I can't get in. AT ALL. and instead of telling me no off rip, they waste my time and money going thru the interviewing process just to tell me no... and never seem to give me a solid reason as to why i'm not good enough for them.

The quick recap: (Let me step offa my high horse but..) I WANT TO TEACH. I understand the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEMS between school districts, not only because i've been to private schools, but well to do public school districts, magnet schools, and public districts that don't have the money to provide the tools for "lowering the achievement gap" between the schools. It's bullshit because i have BIG plans for education, but no one wants to hear me. I don't think you understand. I have some of the brightest minds around me (and a lot of people have that as well..) BUT... I have people who CARE. WHO THINK ABOUT HOW TO BETTER THEIR COMMUNITIES. WHY CAN'T I BE A TOOL FOR THAT? It's not just the people i'm around... i'm not trying to ride the coattails of others. I attract people who reflect how i am. We are ALL concerned. something as basic as twitter reflects that. My twitter feed is (usually) full of intellectual conversation (ok... and a bunch of fuckery, but it's educated fuckery) and WE can make a difference. I'm not in it by myself. No one is. I'm the way i am because my old man cussed me out and whooped my ass until i got it. I'm the way i am because my mother embraced me when i didn't understand what my old man was doing, but damn if she aint kick my ass too. I'm the way i am because my grandmother gave me everything i needed to be successful. I'm the way i am because the people around me help me be great. Period. And it's a damn shame that i can't reflect that in a classroom at an early age. You wonder why people act the way they do? Selfishness. People are inherently selfish. (sorry.) But they're selfish because they have no identity outside of SELF. There's not a community. No one to work hard for. No one to pick you up when you're struggling (not that they aren't there, but you don't have an idea of them existing.) Wonder why all those yt kids do well and wonder why lil liquidasia aint doin well ? Who the hell is her support group? And i understand that we as a people aint got the tools (or money)to allow a kid too much time to "find themselves" BUT SHIT. (i hope that makes some sense).

You know how many times i watched black in america, or those things about "saving the school system" and just shake my head because they always ask the old heads who are completely out of touch with the kids? And you wonder why the kids dont listen? are you fucking serious?

well now that i've ranted about education...

I quit. Not that i can't do it... But damn if the money of the i.t. field doesn't sound better. I mean if i'm going to be this stressed out about things, I might as well count my money right? Pretty shallow, but all this bullshit that i've had to go thru and to be the SAME PLACE i was before i started college? not un. Go get my masters? Spend 20-30k more to make 5k more? KISS MY ASS. oh it's not about the money. you're right. It never has been. but i be damned if being a teacher automatically pays the bills. Kiss my ass with that. It's high on prestige. IS IT? I become the father, caregiver, babysitter, educator, and i can't even get a THANK YOU? shit.

I drove today in the snow (The Snowtorious B.I.G. out here in dc.) and along the way i stopped to help people. i was perfectly fine at home, but I knew that there were gonna be people who needed help. I got one thank you outta 5 people. And that one thank you made it worth it... but damn it's like if people needed help... and they were just like .. NO DONT HELP ME... as they were struggling. That's where i am with education.

I guess i'll write about i.t. later. I'm not nearly as passionate about computers as i am about real people and real problems.. but... Fuck it. *shrug*

I'm sorry i have to end it like that, but i just ended up ranting about education. Does that mean i care? :-\

I should post the email that i wrote my mentor one day.

I really do have some intellectual things to say... but being invested in them enough to write essays on them... That's a commitment i'm not really trying to make in my spare time. And that bothers me. I have all these wonderful ideas and concepts, but yet my monkey ass always decides to be simple. Like everything is only about me. That's not why i think. That's not why i write. It's not about me. It's about those around me who i want to be better. those who push me to work harder, and making a difference. (I promise you this won't be one of those kinda blogs.) I'll say this lil bit more and get to it.. Ever since Cousin Randy passed in November, I've been trying to figure out what kinda experiences i want to have before my time is up.... As if i haven't done enough with my life yet. I'm not satisfied.

Being around a few new friends have gotten me interested in this "higher culture" bullshit. Conflicting, yes. I like speakeasies, i like places that no one knows about, i like clubs and groups that are exclusionary... and i hate the fact that i like this kinda stuff. I like to play dress up, and i like to feel more important than i am (maybe that's part of being in dc, lol) and things like that. I want a G37 convertible and i want to be around people where my g37 isn't SPECIAL. (which kinda contradicts the whole theory of me being an elitist, huh?) I don't want to have to loan out my shit to people, because i want them to have their own. I guess it's that vertical movement shit where my uppity ass thinks i'm the tallest midget, but i'd prefer to be the shortest giant. (wonder if that makes sense). I hate talking, thinking, being like this.. I feel like one of those out of touch ass hampton kids i hate so much. Hell... when i think like this i feel like i'm falling into the hampton stereotype. My father didn't raise me to be like that. well lemme rephrase it.. my father didn't really RAISE me, but he took over after my mother grew tired of tryna whoop my ass. (Think Tre going to live with Furious Styles in Boyz n the Hood? That's me.Not hood at all, but that's the type of parental structure i have.)
I don't wanna be an out of touch selfish bougie "Our Kind Of People" type negro... but.... My experiences would push me to at least examine that. It's quite conflicting. I don't want to compromise my people (I'm big on my people. It may not show, but this is why i choose to teach.) by living lavish and teaching out in suburbia ... wait.. did i say living lavish and teaching? psh. anyways.

All I'm saying is, I like having a different kinda fun. I think a lot of people liek to feel important. It reassures them. Now I'm not looking for reassurance (cause if i did, all i had to do was pledge while at hampton, lmao) but i mean it is nice to have your ego stroked. ego. not a metaphor for anythin else lol. Unno why i'm compelled to write this. OH YEA I DO. i was about to watch crooklyn, then i decided i was gonna watch the inkwell instead. Funny how one little thing can trigger a whole bunch of thoughts.

Hmm. I'm prolly not even gonna watch the movie, maybe i'll just lay back and listen to bill withers... always seems to make the day go by.

and me blogging is posta help me clear my mind? shit. :-|

When I tell you lose my number...

that is not an invite for you to blow up my phone. it's 1:32. i like my sleep. LEAVE ME ALONE. SHIT.

You know what worries me? My friends. Let me preface it by saying, i LOVE my friends... but I worry about them all the time. And it's not the general "oh i hope you're doin iight, i care about your well being" kinda worry, but the "man... are my friends doing things to make progress" kinda worry. It's like letting go of my past. Shedding that skin that you kept for such a long time is scary only because they haven't really done anything to warrant it, just fundamental differences in where we are at this point in time... But it bothers me. All my closest friends are college educated... most of us are grads (and the ones who aren't are pretty much done at this point) and we're all good people... yanno, it's like a reflection of what i go for. You kno that whole your friends are a reflection of you thing. Let me take a step back... because i think that i may come off as thinkin like i'm better than everyone. I'm not. I fuck up just like everyone else.. i didn't graduate on time, and i'm JUST starting to actually be happy with where i am in life... so lemme just toss that out there.

Back on topic: I look at my female friends... ALL of them have jobs. orrrr.... they're in med school. lol. its funny how the people closest to me seem to be movin lateral. I know shit is hard, i understand. but it's just... i don't know. how can the group of girls CONSTANTLY take trips everywhere... leave the country, all star weekends, just enjoying life.... I'm not hating, but damn it aint like it's just an isolated group of women, VARIOUS women get together and have fun. i dont feel like at this point we're capable of doing that. I don't know, i'm conflicted. I know that i'm not completely on it. But it's evident that i've made strides to get to where i wanna be. I can say that about some of my friends. Others i worry about. I just wonder if they'll ever get it goin, yanno? I dont understand why we cant make it happen. There's not too many of us doing well right now... we're back home, we're broke, we're tired. And that bothers me. BUT I UNDERSTAND SHIT IS CRAZY. but.... damn i just dont get it.

Fuck I got distracted.

I think i was essentially getting at this... I have friends who are doing GRANDE things with their lives. I mean they may not be where they wanna be, but you can see... no questions asked, the movement that they're making. I dont know... It's like (and this isn't accurate of my situation) when you're the best person in the group, you know you have a problem. Now i'm not playing holier than thou.... that's not what i'm doin... But man... I got people i call... the pharmacists, the teachers, the doctors and dentists.... (not that i am equating their progress with a job, but...it's nice to have a shared experience)... I dont kno what i'm trying to say. there's people i met in hampton (males) who i wasn't in a rush to be friends with cause i was fine with the folks from back home....

Was i wrong ? Every day it's someone new from my college time doin it big. i'm not anywhere near hating... I'm actually happy that a brotha can make progress in a time where you still can get shot for pullin out your cell phone. I'm there. I feel that. I just wonder if i'm supposed to be hittin happy hour with those folks. I dont kno... It's like half of my boys (if that) from home are professionals at this point... the other half isn't. not that i hate them because they arent, cause i know that if anything would happen they got my back... but .... There's another capacity i'm lookin for at this point. I really wish that all my boys could enjoy being a young black professional... to be able to go out once in a while, enjoyin life. I dont know man... i feel like i'm missin out on a lot of memories cause of finances. Very shallow, i know. But it's real. I worry cause i want my boys to do well... but what if their idea of "doing well" isn't where i think it should be? (like i'm the end all be all or some shit.) I struggle with things like separating from people who are good people jus because of difference. They aren't bad people. not triflin, not ignorant, not selfish. But maybe i'm selfish for wanting this.. I want where all my boys can have some cash. have a job. have shared experiences. Unno. Just some rants.

And this is comin from the teacher who isn't gonna make any money.


sheesh.

Topics for tomarra: Haiti and engagement.

Two catastrophes.

And i finally decide to type something. Of course I haven't been home in a while. Actually i dont have an idea of what "home" is right now. Things are crazy right now, but it's the good crazy. This is prolly the nonsense that recent grads go thru when they don't have any idea what they want to do... That's prolly the closest to my situation. Except everything seems to be working out just fine... just that I'm a teacher, which generally means that if you're not in at the beginning of the year, you just have to wait. I've had quite a few callbacks, and life is great. Cept the potential of getting a career doesn't keep the power on. This whole bills thing wasn't anything i couldn't handle before... i figured it was gonna be the same.... Na not so much. I feel bad cause i have people i have to write checks to.... and generally i wouldn't even have to worry about it, i'd just go in the account and stroke the check. Not so much now. lol. now paying them (while companies owe ME money) means that my shit isn't taken care of. yanno, student loans,rent, credit cards and such... yanno real life stuff. (disclaimer- I AM NOT RICH... although yall love to think i am lol) So when i say this... i mean it. I'm broke. There is no special Brandon Woods version of broke that means i'm not going to be able to shop at best buy this week... i need some more income comin in. ya feel? lol.

Now that i've gotten my financial rant out the way... I'm all types of excited about where I'm going with my life right now. Teaching at Hampton was... interesting.... reminded me why i don't like that place... If you thought it was bad as a student, being an employee was even worse. But i got what i wanted outta it... something to keep me afloat, and a few recommendations. It wasn't a place i would want to spend the next 4-7 years. 30 and being in hampton roads? FAWKDAT. So I'm in D.C. doin some i.t. work to keep me occupied for the time being. Too bad shit costs SO MUCH compared to down there... I just got spoiled. But if you thought D.C. was bad...

I'm set to teach... In NEW YORK. yea. overpopulated, loud, hectic, expensive ass new york. I don't know what the hell happened.. i went from nice and quiet, chill north carolina, to ALLLAAAATHISSHIT! Actually i do kno what happened. In this time where EVERYONE is done with college, it occurred to me that havin all those people that i was fond of (and if you know me... I do not like too many people) aren't gonna be in the same place (not like they were anyways...) but sheesh. But two people closest to me just so happen to be in new york... and the school? dont get me started on how much i love the school. It just seems like a great match for what i'm doing right now. That school had bout 90% black kids.... and only 2 black teachers.
Can't get TOO upset, cause I really feel like black folk just dont wanna teach our own people. So i'm grateful that the white folks do it (even if it is generated because of the good ol white man's guilt...)... wait. did i just say somethin about being grateful that a white person did something? SHEESH. (someone asked me am i irritated with my race... FUCK YES, that's another post tho)

Nonetheless, I'm really excited about being at this school. The structure? REDIC. (and yall know i'm not one for structure. lol) they FORCE the parents to show that they'll be involved, before they'll even CONSIDER to have the kid into their school. They wear an uniform, but when you hit middle school, the boys can wear whatever kind of tie they want. I thought that was cool. Everyone doesn't look the same, but there's still a dress code to follow. It's the little things. The kids are talkin about college at 2nd grade. That's some great shit. I mean to even have that as a concept (cause i'm sure they dont kno what college is)... but to even have a concept of it..... is .... better than some 23 year olds. #jussayinn...

ok i got distracted. and post over. I really hate when i do this. Maybe I'll make up for it with another update today.