First off- I have an interview for a teaching gig in ny tomarra. BAM.
#2 My little sister (and ALLA the family) will be here this week... YUHS.
#3 I've decided to become more serious about writing. I reached out to this incredibly talented writer (@ http://www.untiligetmarried.com), and he shot me back an e-mail. Talk about gettin a kick in the ass to do things... there we go.

So about this title.

Everyone I know is pretty much in the 20-25 range... The range of confusion, chaos, frustration, and things of the sort. I'm going through it too. I'm stuck in D.C., not doing what i want to do, unhappy with my living situation (being as i've had and paid for my own place since 2004) and various frustrations. To counteract that, I've made a conscious effort to be a better friend to those around me, because i know that shit is real, we're all four seconds from losing our minds, and sometimes it's just good to vent, have a drink, or just avoid the real life shit that is challenging, yet scary as shit at the same time. Be the support system. Not asking to be the priority, but damn, we're in this together. I don't know... Like for me, it's hard being a hardass all day at work (black man's defense mechanism, which often ends up being his downfall..)... and then can't just let your guard down after work. It's not asking someone to be a crutch, but sometimes just being at the club/lounge doesn't cut it. There's some lifestyle traits that need to be developed now... We're not in college, and yes it sucks, but I got your back, hope you got mine.

The people that i usta rely on in college aren't there. And I'm one to disappear, i know that... but it's like maybe the proximity really aided in a misrepresented relationship? We were cool because we were there? It's the Ron Burgundy, "I love lamp. Do you love lamp because you saw it?" It's that kinda thing. Not the text message in the am that just says have a great day that makes you smile... not anything like that because it's an out of sight, out of mind kinda thing. Understanding that life is hectic as shit for EVERYONE, shouldn't you be more inclined to go out of your way to make sure that the people you care about are ok? This isn't a bitter rant... It's just observation...

What I'm trying to say is essentially, when people go to "find themselves", they always seem to disappear... and granted, some personal time is needed to evaluate things, but don't forget that you is molded by the experiences and interactions of the people who decide to ride with you through it.

This blog was weak. I'm not satisfied with it, but damn the boondocks is comin on tonight... you'll get your fix from there. lol.

Twitter Progression. I’m not going to blog today, but I’ll just copy my tweets about a topic that’s close to me. Close to me because one I’m from Michigan, but two, because I’m BIG on societal changes… especially with black youth. Dateline ran a 60 minute showing of the state of Detroit… so… 140 characters…

Oh dateline Detroit. It's funny when people see why i dont go home. lol.
I'm conflicted. I want to save the world. But i dont want to be in michigan. my home. How do i save others before i save my own? c'mon woods

And it kills me that all the photos of the poor little kids that need to be saved are black. Sheesh.
Like.. If i go back to michigan.. I feel like i'd be regressing. I can't save the world by myself. And i dont wanna get pulled back with tht
Like i really think that if you're from mi and you're watching this... It HAS to tear you apart. Cause none of us are there.
At this point it goes from being hurt to being mad…
aww kiss my black ass! White woman comes in and saves negroes cause their sorry ass community aint doin shit. Lord.
Watching this... It's frustrating. It's crazy as much as i try not to live in a bubble.... There's so much i cant do. And im trying.
325 mil in deficit... And im sitting in dc.
People ask me why i didn't go to mich state. I liked the school. But i knew that if i woulda went i woulda stayed in mi, and i couldnt do it
this show is makin me mad now. Because people who have never been to the d are getting a false perception. Shit is bad, but people are tryin
One thing i do love about black folks... Apparently, all we do is go to church and pray on it. Put it in god's hands, and im going home.
(so now the show ends, but Michiganders are talking.)
I'm heated right now. This is the same kinda selfish bubble me me me shit that kills me. DO YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU DONT KNO ANYONE STRUGGLIN THAT YOU AND YOURS AINT 3 SECONDS AWAY FROM IT? and even if you weren't... ARE YOU THAT SELFISH? you dont care about others?like that shit magically stops because you live in southfield, or you live in west bloomfield. Or you went to college. MISS ME WITH THAT.I'm ranting. BUT. all this shit dont mean a thing if the people who have the tools decide to come back and fix it. A lot of keyboard courage dont mean shit when we're blessed to get the tools to fix our home and we decide to build someone else's while our people struggle. This kind of selfishness and stupidity is what kills us. Not Detroit. All of us. *points to skin* It's all relative. you may be "smarter" than the other, or have more tools to get what YOU need. but after u take care of self, you haven't done SHIT with the tools. a fuckin waste..I'd rather be around a bunch of people who don't have the tools and are hungry, than to be around a bunch of complacent mf'as who "got it". SO THE FUCK WHAT YOU HAVE A DEGREE. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH IT. what is your purpose? WHY ARE YOU HERE. Apparently we've developed a culture of a bunch of sorry mf'as. And they have kids and teach them the same sorry mf'a shit. it perpetuates. I've dealt with DPS. It's some bullshit.I'm trying. I dont want to be in detroit.. but DAMN. you ever wonder why none of us want to be home? I'm sorry to be the bearer of real shit, BUT THINGS ARE FUCKED UP. The "educated folks" Think they're too damn good to help the "uneducated". Which defeats the whole purpose of "education" in the first place. Mf'a YO GRANDMA MAY NOT BE "educated" BUT DAMN IF SHE AINT A GREAT PERSON.. BUT YOU GON TURN YOUR BACK ON SOMEONE IN THE SAME SHIT THAT MA WAS IN? REALLY?cause u got a degree? how quickly mf'as forget where they come from when they get something (OR THINK THEY HAVE SOMETHING)... a lot of us only had 1 parent start/finsh college.
simple ass shit. how the FUCK do you think people r gonna get better? WE ARENT IN IT BY OURSELVES. ITS NOT A ME ME ME THING. ITS A COMMUNITY

I’ll explain it later.

But real life will do it to you. But there's some things that i would love to just type, get outta my head. Nothing really for people to read, but one day, someone will come across it anyways so i'll just preface it as me goin off in the head. Stream of consciousness writing that has nothing to do with anyone else but me. When's the last time you've done something for yourself? I struggle with that. I'm always giving to others but never make it an issue to give to myself, or i'll halfass my give to myself to say i did it.

(sidenote: saw the most BEAUTIFUL thing on the metro yesterday. A bunch of 14 year old girls were playing on the metro. Bout 7pm. no parents, just being kids. Not a big deal, but on the post work ride home, us adults aint tryna hear that shit. they're runnin up and down the metro, yellin across it... people gettin irritated, and its their stop. One girl runs to the front and waits, but notices that a lady being pushed in a wheelchair is behind her. She stops and asks the dude pushing her "Yall gettin off here?" and steps to the side, tellin them to go ahead. How she went from drawing the ire of the whole train to makin me smile with that one gesture made me not want to give up on the kids. I musta smiled for about 2 minutes on that one.)

Ok back to me (look at your man, NOW LOOK AT ME). But life is hectic and i have failed in maintaining, generating, and just the general upkeep of my relationships. And for that i'm sorry. Not sorry to them, but sorry to myself. Now I'm not being conceited or anything it's not like i'm saying OH they need me to grace their presence... but I like the people around me. and i like being around them. that makes me happy. I need to do a better job of being around them. And as i write this, I'm sitting in a house on a saturday night... where my friends are playing beer pong, and there's a notsomuch ex that is single and in the city and there's a friend who is leaving for the army on monday.. and i'm in the house writing. What the hell woods. You talk all this shit about things you wanna do, yet you're not being proactive in getting them done. That reminds me. I have an email i need to send. Tomarra. For now, I'm going out with my friends.

But at least i'm writing again. :)

"All I need is a partner to play spades with the cards up, All trust!"
- Jay Z

You know what.. It makes a hell of a lot more sense now.

There's a lot of people who think they can play spades. Spades can be as sensual as a relationship (or jus sex). It's a team game.
If you think u can run 8 books... Either it goes three ways.

You think your teammate can't cover you, so you sell yourself short and say you have a 5, because you gotta cover your partner's stupidity, because you dont ever know what they're thinking , and how they operate.. the learning stages.. dont you hate when you get stuck with a partner who thinks they can play, and then there's just no connection there. It's gotta be a relationship.
or...

You go 8, and when you go eight, your partner knows what's up. they know what you mean when you say eight.. they know how you go about making your books (do you lead off with spades... do you talk when you got a good hand, can you see thru the bluff...) just tendencies that make a good team a good team. Does the partner pay attention when you play off of her ace of hearts, does she go back to it , and put the TEAM in a better position to come out on top.

or...

You take over, because you think that your hand is just that good. You have the top spades, all the high cards in every suit... and you know you can get in with any off suit. You cut over your teammate, you do what you want to do. and that's ok for the time being... until you dont have a bangin ass hand... and you can't operate any way else.

With that said.. that's all just a big ass metaphor for relationships.

needless to say.. i need a woman who knows how to play spades. forreal.

Emotionally unavailable women. Not the "oh i have a man, so i can't be interested in you" but the "I'm single, and i may be interested in you, but.... i got other shit i need to be doing right now" type. in an ass backwards, painful kinda way... i like that.

I don't know. I say i want a relationship, but that's bullshit, only because i don't know what the hell i'm doing with myself. I aint draggin no one in MY shit. like i aint messed up in the head, but i aint NO WHERE near where i want to be. So i guess the emotionally unavail but interested in you (and that could just be being around one another) seems to work. It's spurts of emotional attachment without the obligation ? And i'm the needy affectionate one. oh well. These kinds of relationships are fun.. but long term i can see them growing tedious. BUTTTTTTTTTTTT

for now? *shrug*


f it.

real post comin later.

Why Barack Obama Should Pardon Lil Wayne

THIS IS SOME SHIT.

now i'm going to sleep. lol. oh lord.

Yea i said it. Lemme start off by saying, no i didn't get the job in ny. And that's ok. I was blown that i failed at my objective, but that's not why i write this.

Have you ever been so passionate about something, that you're willing to compromise on some things? It's like wanting to be with the girl of your dreams, but chasing her to bumblefuck Alabama to be with her. The joy of being with her trumps everything else...

That's how i feel about Education.

I like nice shit. I drive a lexus (albeit a 98) that is paid for. Mine. No lease. Mine. I stroked a check and called it a day. My money. I buy Autumn EVERYTHING she ever thinks about wanting.. She's my princess, and will be treated accordingly. I like tailored suits, and fine upscale eating.

I was willing to give ALL of that up... to teach. Suddenly the 42k (which ends up being 37ish after taxes) became worth it, because I was making an impact. I was getting ignorant (and i mean ignorant as in not knowing...) black men to just THINK about being something besides a rapper, or a basketball player... or a dboy. That alone pushed me to want to teach. To make people even AWARE of the things they COULD be.... a lot of us are doomed because we're not aware in what capacity we can be great in... Not that we're failures, but we just dont know how to mold our talents into something great, because we don't know where to start. I wanted to be that starting block. I had visions of introducing my students to my friends, graphic designers, and minority recruiters,government employees in dc, entrepreneurs and folks sittin on wall street, and telling em... WE WERE THERE. we were the kids who got kicked out of class for insubordination, slept during class all day because we had siblings to take care of while momma worked, and plainly put, we were the kids who didn't pay attention to these kinda things, and wished we did..

I wanted to do that. I wanted to say "look, (most of us) aren't satisfied where we are... and we're doing pretty damn good as it is." We're still hungry. but you stick with us, and we'll tell you all we know so that you can go far. In fact, go beyond where we are. Fuck that. We want to see you do great things.

But somewhere in the process was the hardship of actually getting IN. here's my frustration. A LOT of people do NOT want to be teachers. a lot of people teach because it's the only thing available... "Hi i was a sports management major (because i thought i was going to make it to the nfl,nba) but now i wanna be in teach for america." Yanno, completely undermines the process. (but my problems with tfa are a COMPLETELY separate convo. All I'm saying is you don't see a Doctors for America program. NEXT) I can't get in. AT ALL. and instead of telling me no off rip, they waste my time and money going thru the interviewing process just to tell me no... and never seem to give me a solid reason as to why i'm not good enough for them.

The quick recap: (Let me step offa my high horse but..) I WANT TO TEACH. I understand the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEMS between school districts, not only because i've been to private schools, but well to do public school districts, magnet schools, and public districts that don't have the money to provide the tools for "lowering the achievement gap" between the schools. It's bullshit because i have BIG plans for education, but no one wants to hear me. I don't think you understand. I have some of the brightest minds around me (and a lot of people have that as well..) BUT... I have people who CARE. WHO THINK ABOUT HOW TO BETTER THEIR COMMUNITIES. WHY CAN'T I BE A TOOL FOR THAT? It's not just the people i'm around... i'm not trying to ride the coattails of others. I attract people who reflect how i am. We are ALL concerned. something as basic as twitter reflects that. My twitter feed is (usually) full of intellectual conversation (ok... and a bunch of fuckery, but it's educated fuckery) and WE can make a difference. I'm not in it by myself. No one is. I'm the way i am because my old man cussed me out and whooped my ass until i got it. I'm the way i am because my mother embraced me when i didn't understand what my old man was doing, but damn if she aint kick my ass too. I'm the way i am because my grandmother gave me everything i needed to be successful. I'm the way i am because the people around me help me be great. Period. And it's a damn shame that i can't reflect that in a classroom at an early age. You wonder why people act the way they do? Selfishness. People are inherently selfish. (sorry.) But they're selfish because they have no identity outside of SELF. There's not a community. No one to work hard for. No one to pick you up when you're struggling (not that they aren't there, but you don't have an idea of them existing.) Wonder why all those yt kids do well and wonder why lil liquidasia aint doin well ? Who the hell is her support group? And i understand that we as a people aint got the tools (or money)to allow a kid too much time to "find themselves" BUT SHIT. (i hope that makes some sense).

You know how many times i watched black in america, or those things about "saving the school system" and just shake my head because they always ask the old heads who are completely out of touch with the kids? And you wonder why the kids dont listen? are you fucking serious?

well now that i've ranted about education...

I quit. Not that i can't do it... But damn if the money of the i.t. field doesn't sound better. I mean if i'm going to be this stressed out about things, I might as well count my money right? Pretty shallow, but all this bullshit that i've had to go thru and to be the SAME PLACE i was before i started college? not un. Go get my masters? Spend 20-30k more to make 5k more? KISS MY ASS. oh it's not about the money. you're right. It never has been. but i be damned if being a teacher automatically pays the bills. Kiss my ass with that. It's high on prestige. IS IT? I become the father, caregiver, babysitter, educator, and i can't even get a THANK YOU? shit.

I drove today in the snow (The Snowtorious B.I.G. out here in dc.) and along the way i stopped to help people. i was perfectly fine at home, but I knew that there were gonna be people who needed help. I got one thank you outta 5 people. And that one thank you made it worth it... but damn it's like if people needed help... and they were just like .. NO DONT HELP ME... as they were struggling. That's where i am with education.

I guess i'll write about i.t. later. I'm not nearly as passionate about computers as i am about real people and real problems.. but... Fuck it. *shrug*

I'm sorry i have to end it like that, but i just ended up ranting about education. Does that mean i care? :-\

I should post the email that i wrote my mentor one day.