I really do have some intellectual things to say... but being invested in them enough to write essays on them... That's a commitment i'm not really trying to make in my spare time. And that bothers me. I have all these wonderful ideas and concepts, but yet my monkey ass always decides to be simple. Like everything is only about me. That's not why i think. That's not why i write. It's not about me. It's about those around me who i want to be better. those who push me to work harder, and making a difference. (I promise you this won't be one of those kinda blogs.) I'll say this lil bit more and get to it.. Ever since Cousin Randy passed in November, I've been trying to figure out what kinda experiences i want to have before my time is up.... As if i haven't done enough with my life yet. I'm not satisfied.

Being around a few new friends have gotten me interested in this "higher culture" bullshit. Conflicting, yes. I like speakeasies, i like places that no one knows about, i like clubs and groups that are exclusionary... and i hate the fact that i like this kinda stuff. I like to play dress up, and i like to feel more important than i am (maybe that's part of being in dc, lol) and things like that. I want a G37 convertible and i want to be around people where my g37 isn't SPECIAL. (which kinda contradicts the whole theory of me being an elitist, huh?) I don't want to have to loan out my shit to people, because i want them to have their own. I guess it's that vertical movement shit where my uppity ass thinks i'm the tallest midget, but i'd prefer to be the shortest giant. (wonder if that makes sense). I hate talking, thinking, being like this.. I feel like one of those out of touch ass hampton kids i hate so much. Hell... when i think like this i feel like i'm falling into the hampton stereotype. My father didn't raise me to be like that. well lemme rephrase it.. my father didn't really RAISE me, but he took over after my mother grew tired of tryna whoop my ass. (Think Tre going to live with Furious Styles in Boyz n the Hood? That's me.Not hood at all, but that's the type of parental structure i have.)
I don't wanna be an out of touch selfish bougie "Our Kind Of People" type negro... but.... My experiences would push me to at least examine that. It's quite conflicting. I don't want to compromise my people (I'm big on my people. It may not show, but this is why i choose to teach.) by living lavish and teaching out in suburbia ... wait.. did i say living lavish and teaching? psh. anyways.

All I'm saying is, I like having a different kinda fun. I think a lot of people liek to feel important. It reassures them. Now I'm not looking for reassurance (cause if i did, all i had to do was pledge while at hampton, lmao) but i mean it is nice to have your ego stroked. ego. not a metaphor for anythin else lol. Unno why i'm compelled to write this. OH YEA I DO. i was about to watch crooklyn, then i decided i was gonna watch the inkwell instead. Funny how one little thing can trigger a whole bunch of thoughts.

Hmm. I'm prolly not even gonna watch the movie, maybe i'll just lay back and listen to bill withers... always seems to make the day go by.

and me blogging is posta help me clear my mind? shit. :-|

When I tell you lose my number...

that is not an invite for you to blow up my phone. it's 1:32. i like my sleep. LEAVE ME ALONE. SHIT.

You know what worries me? My friends. Let me preface it by saying, i LOVE my friends... but I worry about them all the time. And it's not the general "oh i hope you're doin iight, i care about your well being" kinda worry, but the "man... are my friends doing things to make progress" kinda worry. It's like letting go of my past. Shedding that skin that you kept for such a long time is scary only because they haven't really done anything to warrant it, just fundamental differences in where we are at this point in time... But it bothers me. All my closest friends are college educated... most of us are grads (and the ones who aren't are pretty much done at this point) and we're all good people... yanno, it's like a reflection of what i go for. You kno that whole your friends are a reflection of you thing. Let me take a step back... because i think that i may come off as thinkin like i'm better than everyone. I'm not. I fuck up just like everyone else.. i didn't graduate on time, and i'm JUST starting to actually be happy with where i am in life... so lemme just toss that out there.

Back on topic: I look at my female friends... ALL of them have jobs. orrrr.... they're in med school. lol. its funny how the people closest to me seem to be movin lateral. I know shit is hard, i understand. but it's just... i don't know. how can the group of girls CONSTANTLY take trips everywhere... leave the country, all star weekends, just enjoying life.... I'm not hating, but damn it aint like it's just an isolated group of women, VARIOUS women get together and have fun. i dont feel like at this point we're capable of doing that. I don't know, i'm conflicted. I know that i'm not completely on it. But it's evident that i've made strides to get to where i wanna be. I can say that about some of my friends. Others i worry about. I just wonder if they'll ever get it goin, yanno? I dont understand why we cant make it happen. There's not too many of us doing well right now... we're back home, we're broke, we're tired. And that bothers me. BUT I UNDERSTAND SHIT IS CRAZY. but.... damn i just dont get it.

Fuck I got distracted.

I think i was essentially getting at this... I have friends who are doing GRANDE things with their lives. I mean they may not be where they wanna be, but you can see... no questions asked, the movement that they're making. I dont know... It's like (and this isn't accurate of my situation) when you're the best person in the group, you know you have a problem. Now i'm not playing holier than thou.... that's not what i'm doin... But man... I got people i call... the pharmacists, the teachers, the doctors and dentists.... (not that i am equating their progress with a job, but...it's nice to have a shared experience)... I dont kno what i'm trying to say. there's people i met in hampton (males) who i wasn't in a rush to be friends with cause i was fine with the folks from back home....

Was i wrong ? Every day it's someone new from my college time doin it big. i'm not anywhere near hating... I'm actually happy that a brotha can make progress in a time where you still can get shot for pullin out your cell phone. I'm there. I feel that. I just wonder if i'm supposed to be hittin happy hour with those folks. I dont kno... It's like half of my boys (if that) from home are professionals at this point... the other half isn't. not that i hate them because they arent, cause i know that if anything would happen they got my back... but .... There's another capacity i'm lookin for at this point. I really wish that all my boys could enjoy being a young black professional... to be able to go out once in a while, enjoyin life. I dont know man... i feel like i'm missin out on a lot of memories cause of finances. Very shallow, i know. But it's real. I worry cause i want my boys to do well... but what if their idea of "doing well" isn't where i think it should be? (like i'm the end all be all or some shit.) I struggle with things like separating from people who are good people jus because of difference. They aren't bad people. not triflin, not ignorant, not selfish. But maybe i'm selfish for wanting this.. I want where all my boys can have some cash. have a job. have shared experiences. Unno. Just some rants.

And this is comin from the teacher who isn't gonna make any money.


sheesh.

Topics for tomarra: Haiti and engagement.

Two catastrophes.

And i finally decide to type something. Of course I haven't been home in a while. Actually i dont have an idea of what "home" is right now. Things are crazy right now, but it's the good crazy. This is prolly the nonsense that recent grads go thru when they don't have any idea what they want to do... That's prolly the closest to my situation. Except everything seems to be working out just fine... just that I'm a teacher, which generally means that if you're not in at the beginning of the year, you just have to wait. I've had quite a few callbacks, and life is great. Cept the potential of getting a career doesn't keep the power on. This whole bills thing wasn't anything i couldn't handle before... i figured it was gonna be the same.... Na not so much. I feel bad cause i have people i have to write checks to.... and generally i wouldn't even have to worry about it, i'd just go in the account and stroke the check. Not so much now. lol. now paying them (while companies owe ME money) means that my shit isn't taken care of. yanno, student loans,rent, credit cards and such... yanno real life stuff. (disclaimer- I AM NOT RICH... although yall love to think i am lol) So when i say this... i mean it. I'm broke. There is no special Brandon Woods version of broke that means i'm not going to be able to shop at best buy this week... i need some more income comin in. ya feel? lol.

Now that i've gotten my financial rant out the way... I'm all types of excited about where I'm going with my life right now. Teaching at Hampton was... interesting.... reminded me why i don't like that place... If you thought it was bad as a student, being an employee was even worse. But i got what i wanted outta it... something to keep me afloat, and a few recommendations. It wasn't a place i would want to spend the next 4-7 years. 30 and being in hampton roads? FAWKDAT. So I'm in D.C. doin some i.t. work to keep me occupied for the time being. Too bad shit costs SO MUCH compared to down there... I just got spoiled. But if you thought D.C. was bad...

I'm set to teach... In NEW YORK. yea. overpopulated, loud, hectic, expensive ass new york. I don't know what the hell happened.. i went from nice and quiet, chill north carolina, to ALLLAAAATHISSHIT! Actually i do kno what happened. In this time where EVERYONE is done with college, it occurred to me that havin all those people that i was fond of (and if you know me... I do not like too many people) aren't gonna be in the same place (not like they were anyways...) but sheesh. But two people closest to me just so happen to be in new york... and the school? dont get me started on how much i love the school. It just seems like a great match for what i'm doing right now. That school had bout 90% black kids.... and only 2 black teachers.
Can't get TOO upset, cause I really feel like black folk just dont wanna teach our own people. So i'm grateful that the white folks do it (even if it is generated because of the good ol white man's guilt...)... wait. did i just say somethin about being grateful that a white person did something? SHEESH. (someone asked me am i irritated with my race... FUCK YES, that's another post tho)

Nonetheless, I'm really excited about being at this school. The structure? REDIC. (and yall know i'm not one for structure. lol) they FORCE the parents to show that they'll be involved, before they'll even CONSIDER to have the kid into their school. They wear an uniform, but when you hit middle school, the boys can wear whatever kind of tie they want. I thought that was cool. Everyone doesn't look the same, but there's still a dress code to follow. It's the little things. The kids are talkin about college at 2nd grade. That's some great shit. I mean to even have that as a concept (cause i'm sure they dont kno what college is)... but to even have a concept of it..... is .... better than some 23 year olds. #jussayinn...

ok i got distracted. and post over. I really hate when i do this. Maybe I'll make up for it with another update today.

A good friend tweeted this and needed some help:
fellas, i need your help w/ something...give me three things that men struggle with (mentally, emotionally, psychologically, etc.)...thanks

I read it as a problem that black men have... and i just kinda went on my own little mental tangent... so.. here we go. here's my one quality contribution to the discussion.

Being as my demographic is prolly african american, i'm sure someone has heard this question before...

WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?

I usta think that only white people asked that. I swore it was a racial question, because white people always got what they wanted. yanno, the whole entitlement shit. Then i went to hampton. then i realized that the question was not a matter of race, but a matter of awareness. When people really want to know why am i so angry, so frustrated, so short fused for stupid shit.

Lemme backtrack. I went home for thanksgivin (eh... thanksgivin..) and one of my teachers... really cool (white) guy.. was talkin to me about a day that we had open house at my ap school... and my father watched me make cat 5 cables. I wasn't the best person at puttin em in order, and crimpin those damn cables... and with him lookin over me, i was REALLY paranoid. it showed, cause next thing i know, i'm fumbling over wires and it just was NOT WORKING. my old man was askin me, you kno what you're doin, and all this stuff... so my teacher comes over to tell my old man what a great student i am in the class, and now i bring personality to the classroom, to try to alleviate some of the pressure. not good at all. so in so many words, now his son is a coon who takes up space in the class. didn't help that i was the only black kid in the class... and my father is the one who taught me how to program and all the computer stuff. I say alla this to say this...

i graduated from high school in 2004. I visited in 2009. The teacher said something to the effect of: how did you come from your father? your demeanor is completely different, and he was all tight, sat up perfect posture, concise words and things like that. it looks like your father plays no games. Now anyone who knows me (or has grown up with me) knows that i'm not like that. I'm laid back, and fun loving.. not to say my father isn't/wasn't... but when you think about me, you think about laughs. you think about randomness, you think about how i'm easygoing or something like that. never would anyone think about calling me angry. lol.

I didn't get it either. i didn't understand why my father could go from being a very giving, wonderful thoughtful person... to a person who was ready to drop kick you just because you didn't get the cat 5 correct. but the older i got... i understood. the tolerance for ineptitude, simplicity, just all over sorry assed shit does not exist. I didn't understand why my great shit was never good enough. when teachers usta tell my father that i was funny, and i was witty... personality traits.. that did nothing. that made him upset. like that was all i had to bring to the table. It wasn't that i couldn't have a personality, but damn if that was the first thing that people thought about me. as if i didn't bring anything of substance to the table. It's hard out here for a black man. it's hard out here just being not white.. but it's really hard out here for a black man. That's why he was so angry. he was tired. tired of workin all day and doin his job better than all the people who were ready to have his ass fired....


more later. sorry. lol.

Relationships and obligations:

It’s not too many people that owe me anything (from an emotional standpoint… a LOT of people owe me money, yet another thing I found that I have in common with my father lol) because I don’t put myself in a position to give that much to people to make me feel like they OWE something to me. It happens, but the very few people that I feel like that, very rarely let me down. You get spoiled when someone treats you really good, and that’s your expectations for other people… because multiple people (who are great people in your life) treat you great. I don’t know if I like the word “owe” in this… makes it feel like I’m calling all the shots, and I did something extraordinary to cause them to be in debt to me… so I think obligated/obligation would be a better replacement. So my thing is… Moral Obligations given the relationship that I share with people. I think I like that better. I refuse to feel that people I let into my life would “fail” me in that situation, especially since the people I choose to have around me I see as a reflection of how I see myself/ treat others. Yes I’ve done my shit. And I understand that this may just be karma whoopin my ass… (because for every one thing you do, in my world… you get it 10 times worse.) but I’ve moved from the stupid things I’ve done. I can’t be anyone’s side dick anymore. That’s like you dating the girl who cheated on her man to be with you… what the hell do you THINK is going to happen? Lmao. But it’s funny… the girl would have a bad day/be mad at her man and call me. WTF. And of course I would pick up lol. But I’ve been done with that for a while. What kills me is seeing people who are just chasing pussy all kinds of satisfied. Is it because they have basic ass needs (as if I’m ohhh so complex :-\ ) so simple shit keeps them content? I’m not on my high horse here, but i’ve been saying this for the last *looks at calendar* 5-6 years? I just wanted a relationship. And it wasn’t one of those, OH I WANNA RELATIONSHIP so I forced it. That’s not what I do (anymore… people who have seen me grow notice that I’ve changed… which you’re posta do. ) But I really haven’t had a relationship since…. Well hell, Brittany. That was nearly 6 years ago? SHEEEEEEEEESH. I’ve talked to people.. been exclusive? But the title… it’s been a while. I know that all this bullshit would alleviate if I had someone to give to. HERES THE PROBLEM. NEVER EVER in my life will I NEED or FEEL THE NEED to have someone else like that. You kno the whole you gotta be happy with yourself thing? In my head, that makes me sorry when you (I) can’t bring shit to the table your damn self, and gotta depend on others for a change:-\ at that. That’s one of the things that drives me nuts. I refuse to expect someone else to make ME better. That’s what IM here for. I hope that makes sense. Nonetheless. Back to obligations.. (I aint forgot)I find myself as of recently saying something of the sort:
“I kno you don’t owe me shit but…”
“You’re not obligated by any means but damn did you think that….”
You know when you’re forced (or feel forced) to do something, it’s always a question as if the act is sincere? You didn’t say I love you because you actually love the girl, you were saying it cause she was ridin the shit outta the d, and she said it… and you’d do anything to make sure she aint stop? Ask yourself why you respond in the manner you do. Why do people even say I love you? Half the time it’s just to avoid the awkwardness in leaving the other person hanging.. lol. Lets be forreal.
When people don’t have to do things for you, and STILL do? It’s great because it means that they sincerely give a fuck (ORRR they’re just setting you up to stab you in the back) about you and your well being, and want you to do well. You get comfortable, and expect it consistently (because it’s reciprocated between the two of you) but damn I think it hurts the worst when they don’t come thru. It’s like the investment just going down. The thing is, it’s never been anything where it’s been like “oh you betrayed me” but just like… damn, that’s how you do me now? I guess that comes with the higher expectations of being close for so long. It’s hard enough caring for people and their well being, just because it’s “right”… it’s even worse when your ass continues to care about them after their decisions/actions hurt you in any capacity. Now I’m not saying that to say they need to be completely considerate of my feelings… f that. GET YOURS. I’m a big advocate of getting yours. It’s just at what expense do you do the things you do to get what you want? Right now, I don’t really feel like having a heart to heart with a friend of mine who smashed the homie (actually… I don’t kno if smashing the homie was the thing, I think it was that she aint tell me.. hmm.) or havin too much convo with a friend who’s kissin someone I was close with…. Hell don’t feel like tryna talk to her to soothe her guilt about the whole thing. Here’s my blessing, go on with it, do what you do and get outta my face. I’m not gonna waste time forcing conversation. I don’t do the territorial stuff. They aren’t MINE. They don’t belong to me. They don’t owe me shit.
No, you don’t owe me shit… but I thought that we had each other’s back? I don’t know..
Here’s my thing. I pride myself in being very fair with my shit. I’m not makin you happy? That’s my fault… I refuse to get in the way of YOUR happiness. If anyone feels you, it’s me. I guess it bothers me when people just can’t be honest with me. I mean I still hurt, but shit… lol. I don’t know whats going on right now, it’s a hell of a lot of things going on that I haven’t even started to write… And now “Orange Moon” came on the itunes… and the story of that woman is a long ass post in itself. Put it this way though, I don’t like going into my shell, but at times that’s the only thing that will give you protection and peace in a chaotic world. Brittany told me when I moved from Michigan to Maryland “You know you can’t run from everything”.... she’s right. Can’t run from everything. But this one I’m just gonna take the run card, sit back mind my business, and figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Ohhhh cousin randy you woulda loved this shit. Miss ya man.

Generally when things go bad, there's not too many people to blame but self. Bills not paid? prolly shouldn't of taken that girl on that date and spent 100 for a meal... got a headache? aint no one tell your ass to drink all that alcohol. But when it comes to issues of the heart... I always seem to be a failure, and dont know where to pinpoint it. It's not that i dont try to figure it out, i really do.. but it just doesn't make any sense to me. I try to live my life in an appropriate manner, but all this nonsense makes no sense to me. I could understand if i was set on fucking all these women (see: people you know, in oct 27th post), or just didn't give a fuck... i would expect these kinda things to happen. Today's post isn't really something i would normally write for the (12) people who read this blog, but more so cause (cue up cliche) writing is my release. since i'm on that... I LOVE when people say that in attempt to look "intellectual"... kinda like when the fake poets talk like... WHEN THEY TALK LIKE... when THEY talk like thissssssssssssssssss. but I'm writing for me.. cause shit is crazy.

So: from the top.

Went home (yaay for michigan) once again didn't see my ex. that's fine. after 2420943208432 years it finally makes sense that we're not even friends. that's 5 years of not seeing her. it's funny how false perceptions really fuck you up with your expectations. People who know me... (or just have been reading what i write for YEARS) know that i went through a very difficult time letting go of that relationship. but when i finally did, i tried to keep it friendly (like it was in the basis...) ehhh.. (insert kanye shrug?) this one doesn't bother me that much. in fact not much as all, except the fact that we had just had a conversation 2 weeks before i got there. wasn't like she kicked me to the curb and i was just too stupid to get it, lmao. ok now that i got that outta the way..

I am all kinds of ignorantly attached to this woman that will not date me. lmao. it's comical cause she knows how much i care.. she knows she makes my days great. and all that nonsense. i mean its funny making a transition from my ex above there to her here, cause i hadn't felt about anyone remotely the way i felt about my ex, until her. eunno. all of these things are related. Anyways... generally the first person i talk to, the last person... alla that shit. nothing. she wont be with me. she cares about me... but we wont be together. once again... dont like the way it worked out, but i came to terms with the situation (well... on some days, lol). but she tells me that there won't be any me and her... so she tells me to try to find someone (because, mind you, in all of this stupid shit i do... i just want a relationship)... and it's just a mess.

Ok i can't write any more of this shit right now.. like i'm not in the mood to do it.

I hurt. and i don't know why. it's not one specific thing, but damn if 1000 things don't just happen at once.