A good friend tweeted this and needed some help:
fellas, i need your help w/ something...give me three things that men struggle with (mentally, emotionally, psychologically, etc.)...thanks

I read it as a problem that black men have... and i just kinda went on my own little mental tangent... so.. here we go. here's my one quality contribution to the discussion.

Being as my demographic is prolly african american, i'm sure someone has heard this question before...

WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?

I usta think that only white people asked that. I swore it was a racial question, because white people always got what they wanted. yanno, the whole entitlement shit. Then i went to hampton. then i realized that the question was not a matter of race, but a matter of awareness. When people really want to know why am i so angry, so frustrated, so short fused for stupid shit.

Lemme backtrack. I went home for thanksgivin (eh... thanksgivin..) and one of my teachers... really cool (white) guy.. was talkin to me about a day that we had open house at my ap school... and my father watched me make cat 5 cables. I wasn't the best person at puttin em in order, and crimpin those damn cables... and with him lookin over me, i was REALLY paranoid. it showed, cause next thing i know, i'm fumbling over wires and it just was NOT WORKING. my old man was askin me, you kno what you're doin, and all this stuff... so my teacher comes over to tell my old man what a great student i am in the class, and now i bring personality to the classroom, to try to alleviate some of the pressure. not good at all. so in so many words, now his son is a coon who takes up space in the class. didn't help that i was the only black kid in the class... and my father is the one who taught me how to program and all the computer stuff. I say alla this to say this...

i graduated from high school in 2004. I visited in 2009. The teacher said something to the effect of: how did you come from your father? your demeanor is completely different, and he was all tight, sat up perfect posture, concise words and things like that. it looks like your father plays no games. Now anyone who knows me (or has grown up with me) knows that i'm not like that. I'm laid back, and fun loving.. not to say my father isn't/wasn't... but when you think about me, you think about laughs. you think about randomness, you think about how i'm easygoing or something like that. never would anyone think about calling me angry. lol.

I didn't get it either. i didn't understand why my father could go from being a very giving, wonderful thoughtful person... to a person who was ready to drop kick you just because you didn't get the cat 5 correct. but the older i got... i understood. the tolerance for ineptitude, simplicity, just all over sorry assed shit does not exist. I didn't understand why my great shit was never good enough. when teachers usta tell my father that i was funny, and i was witty... personality traits.. that did nothing. that made him upset. like that was all i had to bring to the table. It wasn't that i couldn't have a personality, but damn if that was the first thing that people thought about me. as if i didn't bring anything of substance to the table. It's hard out here for a black man. it's hard out here just being not white.. but it's really hard out here for a black man. That's why he was so angry. he was tired. tired of workin all day and doin his job better than all the people who were ready to have his ass fired....


more later. sorry. lol.

Relationships and obligations:

It’s not too many people that owe me anything (from an emotional standpoint… a LOT of people owe me money, yet another thing I found that I have in common with my father lol) because I don’t put myself in a position to give that much to people to make me feel like they OWE something to me. It happens, but the very few people that I feel like that, very rarely let me down. You get spoiled when someone treats you really good, and that’s your expectations for other people… because multiple people (who are great people in your life) treat you great. I don’t know if I like the word “owe” in this… makes it feel like I’m calling all the shots, and I did something extraordinary to cause them to be in debt to me… so I think obligated/obligation would be a better replacement. So my thing is… Moral Obligations given the relationship that I share with people. I think I like that better. I refuse to feel that people I let into my life would “fail” me in that situation, especially since the people I choose to have around me I see as a reflection of how I see myself/ treat others. Yes I’ve done my shit. And I understand that this may just be karma whoopin my ass… (because for every one thing you do, in my world… you get it 10 times worse.) but I’ve moved from the stupid things I’ve done. I can’t be anyone’s side dick anymore. That’s like you dating the girl who cheated on her man to be with you… what the hell do you THINK is going to happen? Lmao. But it’s funny… the girl would have a bad day/be mad at her man and call me. WTF. And of course I would pick up lol. But I’ve been done with that for a while. What kills me is seeing people who are just chasing pussy all kinds of satisfied. Is it because they have basic ass needs (as if I’m ohhh so complex :-\ ) so simple shit keeps them content? I’m not on my high horse here, but i’ve been saying this for the last *looks at calendar* 5-6 years? I just wanted a relationship. And it wasn’t one of those, OH I WANNA RELATIONSHIP so I forced it. That’s not what I do (anymore… people who have seen me grow notice that I’ve changed… which you’re posta do. ) But I really haven’t had a relationship since…. Well hell, Brittany. That was nearly 6 years ago? SHEEEEEEEEESH. I’ve talked to people.. been exclusive? But the title… it’s been a while. I know that all this bullshit would alleviate if I had someone to give to. HERES THE PROBLEM. NEVER EVER in my life will I NEED or FEEL THE NEED to have someone else like that. You kno the whole you gotta be happy with yourself thing? In my head, that makes me sorry when you (I) can’t bring shit to the table your damn self, and gotta depend on others for a change:-\ at that. That’s one of the things that drives me nuts. I refuse to expect someone else to make ME better. That’s what IM here for. I hope that makes sense. Nonetheless. Back to obligations.. (I aint forgot)I find myself as of recently saying something of the sort:
“I kno you don’t owe me shit but…”
“You’re not obligated by any means but damn did you think that….”
You know when you’re forced (or feel forced) to do something, it’s always a question as if the act is sincere? You didn’t say I love you because you actually love the girl, you were saying it cause she was ridin the shit outta the d, and she said it… and you’d do anything to make sure she aint stop? Ask yourself why you respond in the manner you do. Why do people even say I love you? Half the time it’s just to avoid the awkwardness in leaving the other person hanging.. lol. Lets be forreal.
When people don’t have to do things for you, and STILL do? It’s great because it means that they sincerely give a fuck (ORRR they’re just setting you up to stab you in the back) about you and your well being, and want you to do well. You get comfortable, and expect it consistently (because it’s reciprocated between the two of you) but damn I think it hurts the worst when they don’t come thru. It’s like the investment just going down. The thing is, it’s never been anything where it’s been like “oh you betrayed me” but just like… damn, that’s how you do me now? I guess that comes with the higher expectations of being close for so long. It’s hard enough caring for people and their well being, just because it’s “right”… it’s even worse when your ass continues to care about them after their decisions/actions hurt you in any capacity. Now I’m not saying that to say they need to be completely considerate of my feelings… f that. GET YOURS. I’m a big advocate of getting yours. It’s just at what expense do you do the things you do to get what you want? Right now, I don’t really feel like having a heart to heart with a friend of mine who smashed the homie (actually… I don’t kno if smashing the homie was the thing, I think it was that she aint tell me.. hmm.) or havin too much convo with a friend who’s kissin someone I was close with…. Hell don’t feel like tryna talk to her to soothe her guilt about the whole thing. Here’s my blessing, go on with it, do what you do and get outta my face. I’m not gonna waste time forcing conversation. I don’t do the territorial stuff. They aren’t MINE. They don’t belong to me. They don’t owe me shit.
No, you don’t owe me shit… but I thought that we had each other’s back? I don’t know..
Here’s my thing. I pride myself in being very fair with my shit. I’m not makin you happy? That’s my fault… I refuse to get in the way of YOUR happiness. If anyone feels you, it’s me. I guess it bothers me when people just can’t be honest with me. I mean I still hurt, but shit… lol. I don’t know whats going on right now, it’s a hell of a lot of things going on that I haven’t even started to write… And now “Orange Moon” came on the itunes… and the story of that woman is a long ass post in itself. Put it this way though, I don’t like going into my shell, but at times that’s the only thing that will give you protection and peace in a chaotic world. Brittany told me when I moved from Michigan to Maryland “You know you can’t run from everything”.... she’s right. Can’t run from everything. But this one I’m just gonna take the run card, sit back mind my business, and figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Ohhhh cousin randy you woulda loved this shit. Miss ya man.

Generally when things go bad, there's not too many people to blame but self. Bills not paid? prolly shouldn't of taken that girl on that date and spent 100 for a meal... got a headache? aint no one tell your ass to drink all that alcohol. But when it comes to issues of the heart... I always seem to be a failure, and dont know where to pinpoint it. It's not that i dont try to figure it out, i really do.. but it just doesn't make any sense to me. I try to live my life in an appropriate manner, but all this nonsense makes no sense to me. I could understand if i was set on fucking all these women (see: people you know, in oct 27th post), or just didn't give a fuck... i would expect these kinda things to happen. Today's post isn't really something i would normally write for the (12) people who read this blog, but more so cause (cue up cliche) writing is my release. since i'm on that... I LOVE when people say that in attempt to look "intellectual"... kinda like when the fake poets talk like... WHEN THEY TALK LIKE... when THEY talk like thissssssssssssssssss. but I'm writing for me.. cause shit is crazy.

So: from the top.

Went home (yaay for michigan) once again didn't see my ex. that's fine. after 2420943208432 years it finally makes sense that we're not even friends. that's 5 years of not seeing her. it's funny how false perceptions really fuck you up with your expectations. People who know me... (or just have been reading what i write for YEARS) know that i went through a very difficult time letting go of that relationship. but when i finally did, i tried to keep it friendly (like it was in the basis...) ehhh.. (insert kanye shrug?) this one doesn't bother me that much. in fact not much as all, except the fact that we had just had a conversation 2 weeks before i got there. wasn't like she kicked me to the curb and i was just too stupid to get it, lmao. ok now that i got that outta the way..

I am all kinds of ignorantly attached to this woman that will not date me. lmao. it's comical cause she knows how much i care.. she knows she makes my days great. and all that nonsense. i mean its funny making a transition from my ex above there to her here, cause i hadn't felt about anyone remotely the way i felt about my ex, until her. eunno. all of these things are related. Anyways... generally the first person i talk to, the last person... alla that shit. nothing. she wont be with me. she cares about me... but we wont be together. once again... dont like the way it worked out, but i came to terms with the situation (well... on some days, lol). but she tells me that there won't be any me and her... so she tells me to try to find someone (because, mind you, in all of this stupid shit i do... i just want a relationship)... and it's just a mess.

Ok i can't write any more of this shit right now.. like i'm not in the mood to do it.

I hurt. and i don't know why. it's not one specific thing, but damn if 1000 things don't just happen at once.

So it's 2:20. And i'm awake. And i hurt. I dont know what the fuck you were doing... but i'm sure that if/when i find out... it'll all make sense in that "damnit randy why are you doing it" kinda way. please dont tell me you were preppin for miami... i can't hear that, after me and gary gassin you up for that trip. Tell me you were making fun of sterling, and just being that uncoordinated just caught up with you. That's the story, and i'm sticking to it. (ps- they're gonna retire your 00 jersey... yea you're stuck with it now)

On a real basic level... I was blessed with a little sister... and then i got your dumb ass. And even when you and mike were goin thru with it, you knew that if you ever needed anything... i had your back. Hell i let you drive lexy! I tried to teach you the finer things in life (LIKE HOW TO TALK TO OLDER WOMEN) and in turn you drove me nuts. Headache after headache... wondering if it would ever make sense to you... but you know what... it was great. The older you got (ps- i aint forgot you dodged me for your 21st birthday, bitch) the more i saw you figuring out what you wanted to do... and that made me happy. I don't get it man... you were gettin there. i hadn't had to smack the shit outta you in a WHILE. we were just at the bar last friday... and you were throwin up all on the lexus! like, i just dont get it man. cap and gown, tryna get that party promotion thing goin, had you a nice lil thang on the side... mannnn you were set to do great things, waaayyy past where i was at your age. As much as i'd never tell you (because you'd let up) I was proud of your ass. not proud of the manatees you would slay so much, but you were learning. I saw that when we were at velvet last week. I remember when you got that weak ass system in your car... and didn't have the mind to ask me nor darin for any help. what a waste of money. you've come a long way.

What i'm tryna say in my own backwards way...

I appreciate havin you around, my dude.. and even tho you messed up my favorite shoes, had sex in my house, ate all the oatmeal cookies, took alaina and ronda away from me, never made a pass on the cousin, and all that other shit that i usta cuss you out for.....

You were family. Don't forget that.

r.i.p. normal guy... lmao.

OH WAIT... AND WE ALMOST HAD TO BEAT SOMEONE'S ASS.

this is why you can't let a bunch of people from the D be in one spot.

of course... Audia told the story about how we met. :-\ lmao. yea now everyone knows. lol.

First off: i'm listening to Zhane- rendezvous. if you dont know who Zhane is.. you might wanna ask an adult.

ok.

What i am tired of... is building up black women who are the shit. I'm talking about beautiful, intelligent, introspective, caring black women who allow ignorant men to destroy their self worth. I feel like i went thru this on the last post. but it's still evident now... at 23. i thought those games would disappear as we got older and started to appreciate the talents that we have and the things that we all bring to the table. apparently not.

edit: Before i go any further.... I understand that everyone needs reassurance.. and i SUPPORT THAT. positive reinforcement is GREAT. what i don't like is the fact that its so needed to reinforce people. it's supposed to be a pick me up, not a crutch.. hope that makes sense. I want everyone to do well.. ESPECIALLY my people... and even more... my women. my mothers, my sisters. Those who play the nurturing role in whatever capacity they happen to be in. you can't have a teacher who doesn't know the subject teach... it just won't work. we need to uplift those who need to be uplifted, i'm not mad at that.. because the investment in time and energy will be given back because if they really are about shit and worth the time.... they know what to do.

Carrying on.

I mean and i'm sure my boys (well... my intelligent boys) will agree, it's a LOT of work to repair that kinda shit. ESPECIALLY when you actually wanted to be with them or get to know them.. (you kno how the friend thing goes... you're friends because she doesn't want you, but you hope inside that maybe like the great steve urkel, you'd wear her down)... anyways. Then you start talking ( and i have no problem listening) but then you realize that this woman that you think is the shit (and others will agree) ends up being in all kinds of fucked up situations... and she's done it so many times that she ends up thinking it's her fault that all these men around her have contributed to the situation. so when she gets to someone who can appreciate her worth (whether they're dating/courting/whatever the hell) there's a hell of a lot of work to be done.

I've always wanted an infiniti G35 (but dont tell lexy). So it's like appreciating the G35 from afar, gettin ready to make the purchase, and then when you read the carfax... find out that the shit has been in a few accidents, but you wouldn't notice it until you took the time to read the carfax and get it inspected. from the exterior and just at a walkthrough, looks primo. Do you buy the car knowing that it's gotten in some collisions and needed some work to be done ? kinda the same thing with a relationship with a woman. big investment (money = time/energy/patience etc.) to rebuild it and make sure its legit ? I mean damn how much breaking down and going backwards can a person do before the decide to give up? that's like havin an option to buy an accord, a solid car with less problems (for less money=work) or havin a g35 that you'd have to take apart and put back together. i mean at the end of it , sure you'd have a g35 in one piece but SHIT how much time effort and things of the sort are you willing to put in to get that g35 ?

It's all cost benefit. and it's not even that people want to take shortcuts, but think about it.. if you're constantly giving (and it's not that she's selfish, but she doesn't know how to reciprocate ), how long does it take before you feel neglected ? that's like having to mop the floor, but the person who was posta sweep didn't do it, but yo momma told you the shit had to be done in 2 minutes. not only do you STILL have to do your shit, but you have to overcompensate for someone else's sorry ass.

K it's 1:30 am i got stuff to do. i kno i do. lol. now where to start. by gettin offa this ...

....which may or may not subsequently save black women, which in turn can save the black family.
Lemme start by saying this. i LOVE my little sister. i'm talking, background of my cell phone, photo on top of the computer, keep a pic of her in the car, special ringer, all that kinda stuff. But that's the problem. You know the recent news when the father shot the boy who was having sex with his daughter ? Men across the U.S. (especially us BLACK men who grew up in this Black Exploitation Television age) felt him. Because on one hand, some of the people we knew in college, who we still say what up to.... be fuckin bitches, and smuttin these hoes out. let's keep it 100. Most of us know someone who is just tryna get some pussy and has no problem sayin that. it aint no manipulation or no bullshit, he aint hittin the girl no shit like that.... but he's in it for the pussy, and as soon as you know it, he's beating the freaky broad in the shower. Imagine that it's only gettin worse. Because if you graduated college in 08.. you knew that the class of 09 was the last year of reasonable people and shit that came with it.. it's only gettin worse..... you knew exactly why he shot. and shot. and shot. and... shot.

The first one was just for being triflin and fuckin in his house (he can't shoot his daughter.. c'mon)
the second ? I don't even know you. I refuse to believe my daughter is having sex, but if she is... i'd like to know the mf'a (so i can kill him if something happens)
3- he's 18 and she's 16 ? Enough said.
and the most important thing is...
if the daughter had been in his life for 16 years.. THATS 16 YEARS OF SLEEPLESS NIGHTS WORRYIN ABOUT SOME BULLSHIT HAPPENIN TO HIS CHILD...

can you imagine the bullshit that a person thinks about when he gets home from work (which may be at 5:30, a whole 3 hours after high school is out..... which is long enough to get into all kinds of trouble.... *not that i've done anything :-X* ) and turns on the news to this?

"16-year-old boy beaten to death in Roseland"
"Police: Gang rape outside school dance lasted over two hours"

Generally, Niggashit happens with men. Let's be forreal. Women may be petty, and they might like each other, and occasionally they'll go to blows.. but men ? I'ma have my son learn how to throw em (oh wait, we dont fight, we shoot now :-\) because even sayin hello is an asswhoopable offense to these simple ass men. we fight over people looking in the wrong direction, minding their business, just being around. like come on.

Now that makes me want to whoop someones ass and it aint my child. Come on. But the thing about girls is... girls dont do girls as bad as boys do girls. and a lot of that is sexual based. if it aint physically "fuckin" the girl, it's callin her a bitch, or makin her an object... throwin money at her (which leads the girl to think that the pussy is the end all, be all.... like she aint got shit else to offer, cause simple ass men can't appreciate personality or intelligence... it's SANDOS or keep it movin.) it's perpetuated thru the work of the male.

So where was i going with alladis ? A group of friends... a bunch of intelligent, articulate, ambitious people i know.... are all scared to have daughters. Myself included. Being a male... I think i can teach my son better than i can a daughter (and that's evident in the expectations i give my male students, external of classroom stuff) but i think it's more that... being a male... i know what kinda stupid shit we do that can destroy the black woman.

I'll have more, but blogging doesn't pay the bills so i got to finish some work.

Be easy.

It's an 8 lane freeway. 4 goin north, 4 goin south. I feel like 90% of the people are going the other way. (i refuse to say wrong way, because i'm not going pass judgment.. yet) But I see that the end of the freeway is an abrupt stop... causing cars to plummet to their death. They don't see that (rather... they might see it, but don't truly acknowledge it). I try to save them, but at what point do i stop trying to save them, to make sure that i'm ok ? We do things that takes care of those around us without completely messin up what we have to do. Sure i'll give you 3 dollars. hell no i won't give you my last 3 dollars. (an example of that is.. I want to get paid. If i was only about getting paid, i woulda robbed,killed, sold drugs or something of the sort. i'd make more money doing that than anythin i'll ever do legit. But it's you want to make the most money you can without selling yourself OR YOUR PEOPLE out *this goes to you Mr. Johnson... * ) Anyways. Do i try to cross the median to prevent all these people from going to their death ? and even if i do that, and tell them that the way they're going will lead them to their destruction and the ones they care about (which is another issue because a lot of people only care about self :-\ ) who's to say that they'll be receptive to what i'm trying to say ? But they don't hear me tho. so people you know.... are leading off the cliff, and what do you do ? It's only so much talking and showing you can do before you just say f it, because at the end of the day, you try and try and try to save your people but they... (wait for it ) don't wanna be saved. how to save a bunch of ignorant, greedy, selfish mf'as who you call your people... who don't hesitate to steal from you, kill you, and lie to you (like we don't get that enough from people who are threatened by us ...) just to get a dollar. There's an proverb somewhere (i need to find it) but the just is...

The trees relaxed because they saw the axe had a wood handle.

Think about it. As a black man, there is nothing i enjoy more than seeing my people do well. I take that back. nothing more than seeing my people do well, and paying it forward... But DAMN i like to let my guard down every once in a while.. and i do it for black folk, because i feel that we have a shared experience (Gates - Signifying Monkey ) (wait... FUCKING SKIP GATES TALK ALL THAT GOOD BLACK MAN SHIT AND GOT HIM A WHITE WIFE.) and we can help each other. FUCK no. only thing worse than a white man is a black man who thinks he's white. i mean the white man aint sold no one out... the black man who thinks that money makes him white... has turned his back on the black folk that helped him and damn the white people still laughin at him. man if i continue to rant i'll be up all night. I can go about addressing the 90% of the freeway all night.. but i'll go back to it later ... for now i'm gonna just chill and do some real life work.

With all this bs said.. i do love yall. even if i have no faith in yall... my stupidity leads me to believe i can trust in you. how bout that. and more importantly.. i want US to be free.

“I freed a thousand slaves I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves.”

-Harriet Tubman..

last thing: if Harriet Tubman said that back then when they were whoopin the shit outta us daily.... what the fuck makes you think that it's different now ? in fact it's worse... Niggas and flies.... i tell you.