This is what I used to want to be. Then i grew frustrated. (Warning: Potty Mouthed rant to follow)

Forget Teaching.

Yea i said it. Lemme start off by saying, no i didn't get the job in ny. And that's ok. I was blown that i failed at my objective, but that's not why i write this.

Have you ever been so passionate about something, that you're willing to compromise on some things? It's like wanting to be with the girl of your dreams, but chasing her to bumblefuck Alabama to be with her. The joy of being with her trumps everything else...

That's how i feel about Education.

I like nice shit. I drive a lexus (albeit a 98) that is paid for. Mine. No lease. Mine. I stroked a check and called it a day. My money. I buy Autumn EVERYTHING she ever thinks about wanting.. She's my princess, and will be treated accordingly. I like tailored suits, and fine upscale eating.

I was willing to give ALL of that up... to teach. Suddenly the 42k (which ends up being 37ish after taxes) became worth it, because I was making an impact. I was getting ignorant (and i mean ignorant as in not knowing...) black men to just THINK about being something besides a rapper, or a basketball player... or a dboy. That alone pushed me to want to teach. To make people even AWARE of the things they COULD be.... a lot of us are doomed because we're not aware in what capacity we can be great in... Not that we're failures, but we just dont know how to mold our talents into something great, because we don't know where to start. I wanted to be that starting block. I had visions of introducing my students to my friends, graphic designers, and minority recruiters,government employees in dc, entrepreneurs and folks sittin on wall street, and telling em... WE WERE THERE. we were the kids who got kicked out of class for insubordination, slept during class all day because we had siblings to take care of while momma worked, and plainly put, we were the kids who didn't pay attention to these kinda things, and wished we did..

I wanted to do that. I wanted to say "look, (most of us) aren't satisfied where we are... and we're doing pretty damn good as it is." We're still hungry. but you stick with us, and we'll tell you all we know so that you can go far. In fact, go beyond where we are. Fuck that. We want to see you do great things.

But somewhere in the process was the hardship of actually getting IN. here's my frustration. A LOT of people do NOT want to be teachers. a lot of people teach because it's the only thing available... "Hi i was a sports management major (because i thought i was going to make it to the nfl,nba) but now i wanna be in teach for america." Yanno, completely undermines the process. (but my problems with tfa are a COMPLETELY separate convo. All I'm saying is you don't see a Doctors for America program. NEXT) I can't get in. AT ALL. and instead of telling me no off rip, they waste my time and money going thru the interviewing process just to tell me no... and never seem to give me a solid reason as to why i'm not good enough for them.

The quick recap: (Let me step offa my high horse but..) I WANT TO TEACH. I understand the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEMS between school districts, not only because i've been to private schools, but well to do public school districts, magnet schools, and public districts that don't have the money to provide the tools for "lowering the achievement gap" between the schools. It's bs because i have BIG plans for education, but no one wants to hear me. I don't think you understand. I have some of the brightest minds around me (and a lot of people have that as well..) BUT... I have people who CARE. WHO THINK ABOUT HOW TO BETTER THEIR COMMUNITIES. WHY CAN'T I BE A TOOL FOR THAT? It's not just the people i'm around... i'm not trying to ride the coattails of others. I attract people who reflect how i am. We are ALL concerned. something as basic as twitter reflects that. My twitter feed is (usually) full of intellectual conversation (ok... and a bunch of fuckery, but it's educated fuckery) and WE can make a difference. I'm not in it by myself. No one is. I'm the way i am because my old man cussed me out and whooped my ass until i got it. I'm the way i am because my mother embraced me when i didn't understand what my old man was doing, but damn if she aint kick my ass too. I'm the way i am because my grandmother gave me everything i needed to be successful. I'm the way i am because the people around me help me be great. Period. And it's a damn shame that i can't reflect that in a classroom at an early age. You wonder why people act the way they do? Selfishness. People are inherently selfish. (sorry.) But they're selfish because they have no identity outside of SELF. There's not a community. No one to work hard for. No one to pick you up when you're struggling (not that they aren't there, but you don't have an idea of them existing.) Wonder why all those other kids do well and wonder why lil liquidasia aint doin well ? Who the hell is her support group? And i understand that we as a people aint got the tools (or money)to allow a kid too much time to "find themselves" BUT SHIT. (i hope that makes some sense).

You know how many times i watched black in america, or those things about "saving the school system" and just shake my head because they always ask the old heads who are completely out of touch with the kids? And you wonder why the kids dont listen? are you fucking serious?

well now that i've ranted about education...

I quit. Not that i can't do it... But damn if the money of the i.t. field doesn't sound better. I mean if i'm going to be this stressed out about things, I might as well count my money right? Pretty shallow, but all this bullshit that i've had to go thru and to be the SAME PLACE i was before i started college? not un. Go get my masters? Spend 20-30k more to make 5k more? KISS MY ASS. oh it's not about the money. you're right. It never has been. but i be damned if being a teacher automatically pays the bills. Kiss my ass with that. It's high on prestige. IS IT? I become the father, caregiver, babysitter, educator, and i can't even get a THANK YOU? shit.

I remember driving in the snow last winter (The Snowtorious B.I.G. out here in dc.) and along the way i stopped to help people. i was perfectly fine at home, but I knew that there were gonna be people who needed help. I got one thank you outta 5 people. And that one thank you made it worth it... but damn it's like if people needed help... and they were just like .. NO DONT HELP ME... as they were struggling. That's where i am with education.

I guess i'll write about i.t. later. I'm not nearly as passionate about computers as i am about real people and real problems.. but... *shrug*

I'm sorry i have to end it like that, but i just ended up ranting about education. Does that mean i care? :-\

I should post the email that i wrote my mentor one day.

I hope this doesn't come off as being pompous, but one of the things I want to do with my life is record it, and find a way to thank all the people who have contributed. What better way than to write while you're at work?!

I've been blessed. Even though I was born in Detroit, I NEVER saw any of the issues that plague DPS right now (Massive debt and low graduation rates being at the top), because my mother didn't want me in just any school. Malcolm X Academy- I never will understand how my mother got me allll the way there on a daily (This is when it was behind Northwestern high) , but i remember having those journeys books (they came in green and red, i think) at Kindergarten level. they were the same books that the 3rd graders at my school were reading. Don't remember the specifics, but my teacher pulled me out of class to meet with the principal about my reading skills. Kindergarten, and I'm already being told by the staff that there's a school that is better suited to cultivate my mind... Blessing in itself right there to even IDENTIFY that there may be a better place to have your child.

1st grade. Still in Detroit, and if you're from Detroit you know where i ended up, the only place that the "who's who" of smart kids go, Bates Academy. You can google that school today, and they still rant and rave about the quality of education and the people they've produced. Also had one of the BEST teachers EVER. In first grade. Terri Ossman, bless her soul (The packed funeral of a teacher who impacted more people than you can count says it all.) would give me extra work to counteract me being all over the place. The most reassuring, yet challenging educator i have EVER worked with. Speaks volumes that I don't remember who the principal was, yet I remember her.

2nd grade I moved out to suburbia. West Bloomfield, affluent and white. 3 black kids in my class, but the educational resources trumped anything i saw in Detroit. 2nd grade teacher, eh remember her name, but don't remember any impact. Based off the memories I have prior to this, It's safe to say it was a minimal contribution.

3rd grade. more eh. The only thing i remember about 3rd grade is that I found out at the end of the year, i would be placed in a magnet program at yet another school. (10 schools from k-10.) I'm starting to see a correlation. Being in suburbia I dont remember ANY teacher really making a impact, so let's just skip to 7th grade.



While West Bloomfield gave me the tangible tools to be successful (all the programs, computers, cameras i could ever want access to) i've noticed that i didn't have any interaction with any teacher,admin, anyone that made a personal influence on where i am today. It was going through the motions in my "formative" years, (This is not putting the onus on them, because i had GREAT parental involvement, even with them being separated) without my family,i feel like i would have been doomed if i had been stuck with them. I know that if you can't motivate yourself, it's a damn shame to look for (expect) someone else to light that fire, but it's nice to have someone to look up to, give you some type of inspiration, i guess. This isn't a critique on my experience of being a black kid in a white neighborhood (as i don't believe my issues were racial... you'll find out later), but the complacency of a well to do school district (with 6 figure households, both parents all that Grant Hill type shit) who believed that having the tools without the passion would generate results. Granted, it works often, but in this case methinksnot. None of the teachers I had in W.B. would have put up any kind of production in DPS. Teachers have to care. The teachers out there were blessed with being intelligent, but lacked the compassion, the joy that an educator should have.

I was about to blog but...

this just in...

No one reads blogs on weekends. I just learned that.

*shrugs, walks away*

See yall monday.

oh and.. HAPPY JUNETEENTH!

As you prolly already know, I'm trying to save the world. I'm not trying to be rich, or famous... I dont need anyone to validate me... But two things i'm passionate about, taking care of my little sister, and trying to save the black community, i often have the serious tone when discussing.

Here's a new issue. Everyone knows that i'm set on saving black people. (not that i'm the savior, but damn i want to be active in assisting) Not that other races dont need help in the educational field, but if you can't take care of your own, who will? It's conflicting because sometimes i feel bad that i'm focused on techniques to be effective in black neighborhoods. You know what? It's not just any black neighborhood though. Even though West Bloomfield (where i grew up) has its fair share of black people (now), I just don't feel a need to teach there. I guess because of the average household income, the money the school district gets, and the higher likelihood of parental involvement out there makes me feel like these kids dont NEED my intervention. (i say all of this like i know i'll make a difference. Behind all this big talk and these idea is a big bundle of fear that i'd fail.) Socioeconomic status + race = my mindframe. I guess you could say i'm a critical race marxist? Does that exist? I feel like i need to read more.

Speaking of reading... This is what i'm reading now. The Trouble With Black Boys and it's got me motivated to put myself in position to help. I'm convinced that i'm going back to school, which means that I'll be making less money since i'll be spending more time getting another degree, but i'm hungry right now. I need to do it before i grow complacent (which is prolly #1 on my personal worry list)with the situation i'm in now. I miss being challenged. But if i don't challenge myself, i'm a sorry mfa. I should never have to look for someone else to challenge me. If you can't get inspiration from yourself, you're doing something wrong (imo).

Nonetheless, the new issue is me explaining why i want to teach without sounding like a racist to the hr department or whoever decides to interview me. In almost every interview i've been in, it's been a white person interviewing... And it's the scariest shit ever, because for the first time in my life I really have to use a filter. When they ask me "why do i want to teach" I'm so uncomfortable. I can talk about it to random black people (because i swear they have a shared experience/background), I can hide behind this blog and say what i want, because i'm sure i'm not gonna get a job from this blog, but when it comes to being professional and potentially employed in a position of molding these kids... I worry that my opinions may be too much. Not because they're white superiors, cause i rub a LOT of black people the wrong way with my opinions (ask my current employer). But i dunno, teaching is a little bit different, because I'm around the kids more than the parents are in a lot of cases. You put me in a classroom with some impressionable kids, and now we got a bunch of lil nat turner's in mr woods' classroom (Which i wouldn't mind, cause at least the kids believe in SOMETHING.) I worry. I want to save the world, but my ass is too scared to say what i believe in. I can't discuss socioeconomic injustices, point out inconsistencies and bullshit in the system in my interview... I'll NEVER get hired. it's like i have to learn a new song and dance.

Ok done for now.

If you read my blog... this one might make you not wanna read anymore. And I respect that. but...

First off. Congrats to the 2010 Graduates of Hampton University. You busted your ass (well, some of yall) and you made it out. Do it big. Blah blah bullshit, but it's an accomplishment, be happy that you've made it this far. You're not done, go on to do great things...

*throws record out the muthafuckin window*

This shit is right on time. I was pissed DURING graduation, I was pissed AFTER graduation, i was pissed at work today, and i was pissed when i came home.

So i got on twitter (yanno, the abyss.)

and they were talking about hbcu's. Yes. right on time.

So. Back to hampton university.

Fuck this school right now. Great that the president was there. Hooray. I support that. But you lost me when you didn't even MENTION. MENTION. the two seniors who passed in completely TRAGIC fashion this school year. Granted, one of them was like a little brother to me, so i might be a little bit biased. But one of the reasons i went to a hbcu was because I grew up in a white neighborhood (where i was one of 3 black kids in the whole 2nd grade... i think it was 1 of 20 for the whole elementary school or some shit) and i wanted to understand my people better. I didn't want to be the delusional "educated" out of touch black person. I didn't want to be afraid to be around black people. I didn't want to bring home a white girl (lol, sorry). I didn't want to think (or be brainwashed) into thinking that all black people had to offer was the headline on the news.

I'm glad the president was there. That gives me both ends of the spectrum. That gives me the selfish, triflin, negroes who are alumni, boosters, students of hampton university, and then the president.

Let me stop. All of yall don't fit in this, like all people who graduated from Stanford (if you don't know me, that's the ONLY school i didn't get in.. so i lust.) are geniuses or some shit. Don't let the degree and the seal fool you. And i guess that's my thing. Just cause yall graduated from a hbcu, don't mean you my brother/sister.

Let's keep it real... If you graduate from a pwi.. (i'll use the example of the ones i applied to for the rest of the convo) If you're a journalism grad... What's more likely to get you interviewed? The Mizzou/Northwestern Degree or the Howard/Hampton degree? And i'm going to stop, because i know grads from ALL of those schools, and they KNOW i love them dearly, and they are some talented mf'as(talent will shine wherever the fuck you are.). But I'm also not doing the hiring. It's like when the beautiful chocolate woman is walking down the street... and they say, "Oh she's cute for a dark skinned woman" like being fucking chocolate is a handicap. I hope that makes sense.

Ok wait. I'm from the english department at hampton university. The word signifyin and coon may not be appreciated anywhere else the way we do. (well coon, but... digress) I have PRIDE in my department. that was/is my family. Many a night explicating brought us together, and that's why i still beat myself up about wanting to teach there. I LOVE MY DEPARTMENT. and i have no problem saying that. But that was as big as my community existed at hampton. I mean sure you find some people that you care about, but overall? I was really let down. There's a few professors that had a major impact, and i appreciate that (ESPECIALLY being in education), but maybe my perception of actually being a community was skewed. Damn you A Different World.

I should ask my friend about why he thought little hampton and big hampton existed.
Little hampton were the people who were really interested in making change amongst the things that went on, and then big hampton was just the student body. I wasn't a lame in college, so it aint no hostility with that. Little hampton didn't consist of a bunch of awkward "revolutionaries" that would ostracize people at a blink... ok not ALL of them. But what bothered me was that little hampton was getting smaller, and big hampton was getting... well bigger. Of course president harvey likes his money so he'll just let ANYONE in. (not true at all, but that's my sentiment. Have paycheck, will travel.) Now let me step back. Big hampton isn't full of stupid people. These people are geniuses. no sarcasm. There were some extremely brilliant people who came thru big hampton, great gpa's and in grad/law/med school... I'm with it. What i don't get is WHY they're there.

and now we're back to graduation.

One thing Dr. Foster forced down his thesis class's throats was the idea of community. We were so fucking oblivious to what each other was saying/trying to say, that we couldn't help each other. We were so stuck in books, that we always thought that some dead philosopher (and gates... who just used way too many fuckin words to say nothing :-x ) was the end all be all of what we knew. Like we had excluded and discounted our community from being at the table with this discussion, just because it was intellectual. It wasn't like we hated each other. we hung out with each other after class, drank together, and just chilled. We were friends when it was time to bullshit, but we couldn't use each other as a resource when shit was important? Bullshit. I think i got it (because I was older than the folks i took thesis with... that's another story) but they didn't. But WE (the community) grew into understanding. why? Because the thesis class before us came back, called us, helped us, guided us... and shit like that. It wasn't no finding forrester type shit, but there was a bond between the people who had already handled it and the people who wanted to be there. It's like Reggie Miller talking to Steph Curry about how to shoot. And suddenly It made sense. and then we have crosstalk. we're looking at the same thing, but see two different things. and we talk about it, and we LEARN. we have applied what we see as truth, and had an intellectual conversation about it. Community works together to get the job done. After we had individual mock defenses outside of class as a community, we defended our thesis... and after that we celebrated. TOGETHER. I aint saying you gotta be all up on each other, but what i'm saying is, we all are in it together. If some of those english majors aint call me before class, I woulda missed a few tests. That's appreciated.

Graduation. No reference of 2 INTEGRAL parts of the graduating class' identity. If you came to hampton in 06 and you didn't know cousin randy or theo... you didn't really go to hampton. A great gesture would of been to have the parents get their child's degree from the president. A graduation memorial. A moment of silence. I wonder if the family even got tickets for graduation. I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE i just missed it, and that's my fault if i did. but damn i dont remember ANYTHING. If a part of my community isn't with us anymore.. I'm doing everything i can to keep his spirit with us. But that's just me. I'm an old head. And here's the transition.

The culture is changing at hampton. I've been there long enough to notice (LMAO) and i don't like it. In previous years... they woulda NEVER let that shit happen. Before facebook and twitter was big... we were tighter. Ask about the class of 08 and all the trouble we got into as a whole. Members of the same department weren't even clapping for each other when they walked across the stage. I have memories of friends FALLING OUT because THEY did it. THEY remember all the nights THEY worked had, and THEY got thru it to get to this point, cause THEY realized it wasn't JUST ABOUT THEM. and you're telling me you can't even fucking clap for a classmate? It wasn't like it was 3082503850285 of them. it's like 25 of them. Granted everyone is tired, and it is your day too... but SHIT. The identity of people just scares me. And THEY'RE NOT STUPID !! that's the scary part. These book smart folks scare the SHIT outta me. they can apply some logic when it comes to writing but can't see the ramifications of not being part of this community. Being in a selfish, I'ma get mine bubble while everyone around you gets exploited WILL catch up to you. And maybe this
isn't about hampton. Maybe this is about my people as a whole. and i just happen to be sparked by some events that just HAPPENED to be at Hampton. There's a tradition that happens in the english department after graduation, and most english majors(who are there now)can't even tell you what it is. Why? because the school let the professor who started the tradition (or at least upheld it) Leave to go to western kentucky university. Black man, leaves hbcu for wku. Hmm. That's fine. one monkey (no pun.. lmao) doesn't stop the show. These graduates were supposed to carry the legacy. Do what those before you did, and pass it on. Community. And they didn't. And it KILLED ME.





Want to know what the tradition was?


To take a picture as a group, showing your degrees. with the professors who helped you get to this point.

And now it's gone.

Oh my community.

Edit: I don't know it all. And I dont have a soapbox. And I'll write more about this, i promise. If you disagree, and you think i'm full of shit, PLEASE. LET ME KNOW. that isn't a challenge, but i just really value what people have to bring to the table. And I'm not trying to downplay ANYONES education. a degree is hard work, fuck what you're talkin bout. lol. I'm just ranting, cause i'm worried. I'm watching the thing that i thought that was posta save the people (education) go the wrong way.

And, uhhh.. please don't tell president harvey on me.

I think i've finally figured out WHY i write. It's not just for me. I mean my words and my experiences mold my writing, but it couldn't be that selfish of a meaning. There's gotta be more behind why i feel compelled to scribble down thoughts into blog posts. (and no it's not to be internet famous... Although i'll take the attention) One thing that people will tell you about me, often i lack a filter, for good and for bad... But they can always expect the honesty in all i say/do. Sometimes it pisses people off, offends them, ostracizes me... But very seldom do i step back from the situation and think "damn, what i did/said wasn't consistent with the truths i believed at that point in time." i might have gotten some new information to disprove my "truth", but the decision i made was contingent on me believing it as such. Hope that makes some type of sense. So back to why do i write... (this is one part, my real life lack of focus. People like that.) People are actually reading my blog. I thank you for it. Seriously. You know how much black folk hate reading. But what i've gotten often, i've typed out what my readers have said/thought at one point in time. Not that i've typing some upper level stuff, but that it's another avenue for them to get reassurance that it'll be ok. Quite a few people told me, "yea you and i are on the same page... It reminds me of when i...." and thats gratifying. Because in a world where all of us want to be told that it'll be ok, and be accepted (insert comment about how i couldn't care less about other people's validation) by someone. I'm not putting myself up there as if i'm important and people should look to me, i'm just saying that sometimes a voice that isn't yours who has a story like yours is comforting. Yanno, that shared experience shit from skip gates (everyone's favorite negro :| ) that i love throwing out when i'm ranting. Let me find out im talking about it and still have no idea wtf it means. Lol. It's just nice to know that you're not in it by yourself. Funny i just was ranting yesterday about how i was feeling alone. So in order to fix that, i guess i try to make sure that no one else feels the same? *shrug* pretty anticlimatic ending to the blogpost huh? Time to clock in, yall be easy.

As Raphael Saadiq- Doin What I Can starts to play on the ipod. Yanno music tells a damn good story. I hope to be able to do that with my words. "i'm just doin what i can". Aint that the truth.

I was going to write something.

It's lonely in this world i live in now.

I'm damned if i'm on my intellectual soapbox, cause god forbid that i actually think beyond the surface, but it's a hell of a lot easier if i just shut the hell up. Until i look at myself in the mirror and try to figure out why i'm here. Conflicted. The path of least resistance isn't gratifying, but damn doing/acting/saying what you want (or feel the need to, and actually having purpose behind the actions) is so very tiring. I'm not tired... yet. But sheesh. Sometimes i feel like when i switch from the bullshit talkin, drinkin, loud ass B. Woods and actually just exist as Brandon, with real life issues... there's no one there. And that isn't saying that people are just stupid or anything of the sort, but you keep people around for different capacities. you have the friends who can play ball, you have the people you drink with, you got the folks who will keep you on the academic focus... everyone has a purpose. It's a big ass cost/benefit (as all relationships are.)


When I want to think, and talk about social things, or things that i worry about (My main thing is education, and the development of black men in society but...) It gets really quiet. The thing about conversation is that i dont join it in to hear myself talk, or be the center of attention (because honestly i hate being the center of attention), but i do it to learn things from other people. My understanding is developed by the sharing of other peoples understanding. I don't know. Right now i feel like i'm just going thru the motions. Not the motions of every day life... well na fuck it. everything is monotonous. I need some intellectual stimulation. and before you suggest to read a book... It's a little bit more than that. In my quest to figure out how to save the world, I've forgotten where to look for assistance. not to be confused by inspiration. Being alive is inspiration enough. I don't need anyone to inspire me.

My head hurts. BUT. a not so random "ex" who always finds an ass backwards kind of way to make me smile... yea. wtf am i doing with my life. lol.

First off- I have an interview for a teaching gig in ny tomarra. BAM.
#2 My little sister (and ALLA the family) will be here this week... YUHS.
#3 I've decided to become more serious about writing. I reached out to this incredibly talented writer (@ http://www.untiligetmarried.com), and he shot me back an e-mail. Talk about gettin a kick in the ass to do things... there we go.

So about this title.

Everyone I know is pretty much in the 20-25 range... The range of confusion, chaos, frustration, and things of the sort. I'm going through it too. I'm stuck in D.C., not doing what i want to do, unhappy with my living situation (being as i've had and paid for my own place since 2004) and various frustrations. To counteract that, I've made a conscious effort to be a better friend to those around me, because i know that shit is real, we're all four seconds from losing our minds, and sometimes it's just good to vent, have a drink, or just avoid the real life shit that is challenging, yet scary as shit at the same time. Be the support system. Not asking to be the priority, but damn, we're in this together. I don't know... Like for me, it's hard being a hardass all day at work (black man's defense mechanism, which often ends up being his downfall..)... and then can't just let your guard down after work. It's not asking someone to be a crutch, but sometimes just being at the club/lounge doesn't cut it. There's some lifestyle traits that need to be developed now... We're not in college, and yes it sucks, but I got your back, hope you got mine.

The people that i usta rely on in college aren't there. And I'm one to disappear, i know that... but it's like maybe the proximity really aided in a misrepresented relationship? We were cool because we were there? It's the Ron Burgundy, "I love lamp. Do you love lamp because you saw it?" It's that kinda thing. Not the text message in the am that just says have a great day that makes you smile... not anything like that because it's an out of sight, out of mind kinda thing. Understanding that life is hectic as shit for EVERYONE, shouldn't you be more inclined to go out of your way to make sure that the people you care about are ok? This isn't a bitter rant... It's just observation...

What I'm trying to say is essentially, when people go to "find themselves", they always seem to disappear... and granted, some personal time is needed to evaluate things, but don't forget that you is molded by the experiences and interactions of the people who decide to ride with you through it.

This blog was weak. I'm not satisfied with it, but damn the boondocks is comin on tonight... you'll get your fix from there. lol.

Twitter Progression. I’m not going to blog today, but I’ll just copy my tweets about a topic that’s close to me. Close to me because one I’m from Michigan, but two, because I’m BIG on societal changes… especially with black youth. Dateline ran a 60 minute showing of the state of Detroit… so… 140 characters…

Oh dateline Detroit. It's funny when people see why i dont go home. lol.
I'm conflicted. I want to save the world. But i dont want to be in michigan. my home. How do i save others before i save my own? c'mon woods

And it kills me that all the photos of the poor little kids that need to be saved are black. Sheesh.
Like.. If i go back to michigan.. I feel like i'd be regressing. I can't save the world by myself. And i dont wanna get pulled back with tht
Like i really think that if you're from mi and you're watching this... It HAS to tear you apart. Cause none of us are there.
At this point it goes from being hurt to being mad…
aww kiss my black ass! White woman comes in and saves negroes cause their sorry ass community aint doin shit. Lord.
Watching this... It's frustrating. It's crazy as much as i try not to live in a bubble.... There's so much i cant do. And im trying.
325 mil in deficit... And im sitting in dc.
People ask me why i didn't go to mich state. I liked the school. But i knew that if i woulda went i woulda stayed in mi, and i couldnt do it
this show is makin me mad now. Because people who have never been to the d are getting a false perception. Shit is bad, but people are tryin
One thing i do love about black folks... Apparently, all we do is go to church and pray on it. Put it in god's hands, and im going home.
(so now the show ends, but Michiganders are talking.)
I'm heated right now. This is the same kinda selfish bubble me me me shit that kills me. DO YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU DONT KNO ANYONE STRUGGLIN THAT YOU AND YOURS AINT 3 SECONDS AWAY FROM IT? and even if you weren't... ARE YOU THAT SELFISH? you dont care about others?like that shit magically stops because you live in southfield, or you live in west bloomfield. Or you went to college. MISS ME WITH THAT.I'm ranting. BUT. all this shit dont mean a thing if the people who have the tools decide to come back and fix it. A lot of keyboard courage dont mean shit when we're blessed to get the tools to fix our home and we decide to build someone else's while our people struggle. This kind of selfishness and stupidity is what kills us. Not Detroit. All of us. *points to skin* It's all relative. you may be "smarter" than the other, or have more tools to get what YOU need. but after u take care of self, you haven't done SHIT with the tools. a fuckin waste..I'd rather be around a bunch of people who don't have the tools and are hungry, than to be around a bunch of complacent mf'as who "got it". SO THE FUCK WHAT YOU HAVE A DEGREE. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH IT. what is your purpose? WHY ARE YOU HERE. Apparently we've developed a culture of a bunch of sorry mf'as. And they have kids and teach them the same sorry mf'a shit. it perpetuates. I've dealt with DPS. It's some bullshit.I'm trying. I dont want to be in detroit.. but DAMN. you ever wonder why none of us want to be home? I'm sorry to be the bearer of real shit, BUT THINGS ARE FUCKED UP. The "educated folks" Think they're too damn good to help the "uneducated". Which defeats the whole purpose of "education" in the first place. Mf'a YO GRANDMA MAY NOT BE "educated" BUT DAMN IF SHE AINT A GREAT PERSON.. BUT YOU GON TURN YOUR BACK ON SOMEONE IN THE SAME SHIT THAT MA WAS IN? REALLY?cause u got a degree? how quickly mf'as forget where they come from when they get something (OR THINK THEY HAVE SOMETHING)... a lot of us only had 1 parent start/finsh college.
simple ass shit. how the FUCK do you think people r gonna get better? WE ARENT IN IT BY OURSELVES. ITS NOT A ME ME ME THING. ITS A COMMUNITY

I’ll explain it later.

But real life will do it to you. But there's some things that i would love to just type, get outta my head. Nothing really for people to read, but one day, someone will come across it anyways so i'll just preface it as me goin off in the head. Stream of consciousness writing that has nothing to do with anyone else but me. When's the last time you've done something for yourself? I struggle with that. I'm always giving to others but never make it an issue to give to myself, or i'll halfass my give to myself to say i did it.

(sidenote: saw the most BEAUTIFUL thing on the metro yesterday. A bunch of 14 year old girls were playing on the metro. Bout 7pm. no parents, just being kids. Not a big deal, but on the post work ride home, us adults aint tryna hear that shit. they're runnin up and down the metro, yellin across it... people gettin irritated, and its their stop. One girl runs to the front and waits, but notices that a lady being pushed in a wheelchair is behind her. She stops and asks the dude pushing her "Yall gettin off here?" and steps to the side, tellin them to go ahead. How she went from drawing the ire of the whole train to makin me smile with that one gesture made me not want to give up on the kids. I musta smiled for about 2 minutes on that one.)

Ok back to me (look at your man, NOW LOOK AT ME). But life is hectic and i have failed in maintaining, generating, and just the general upkeep of my relationships. And for that i'm sorry. Not sorry to them, but sorry to myself. Now I'm not being conceited or anything it's not like i'm saying OH they need me to grace their presence... but I like the people around me. and i like being around them. that makes me happy. I need to do a better job of being around them. And as i write this, I'm sitting in a house on a saturday night... where my friends are playing beer pong, and there's a notsomuch ex that is single and in the city and there's a friend who is leaving for the army on monday.. and i'm in the house writing. What the hell woods. You talk all this shit about things you wanna do, yet you're not being proactive in getting them done. That reminds me. I have an email i need to send. Tomarra. For now, I'm going out with my friends.

But at least i'm writing again. :)

"All I need is a partner to play spades with the cards up, All trust!"
- Jay Z

You know what.. It makes a hell of a lot more sense now.

There's a lot of people who think they can play spades. Spades can be as sensual as a relationship (or jus sex). It's a team game.
If you think u can run 8 books... Either it goes three ways.

You think your teammate can't cover you, so you sell yourself short and say you have a 5, because you gotta cover your partner's stupidity, because you dont ever know what they're thinking , and how they operate.. the learning stages.. dont you hate when you get stuck with a partner who thinks they can play, and then there's just no connection there. It's gotta be a relationship.
or...

You go 8, and when you go eight, your partner knows what's up. they know what you mean when you say eight.. they know how you go about making your books (do you lead off with spades... do you talk when you got a good hand, can you see thru the bluff...) just tendencies that make a good team a good team. Does the partner pay attention when you play off of her ace of hearts, does she go back to it , and put the TEAM in a better position to come out on top.

or...

You take over, because you think that your hand is just that good. You have the top spades, all the high cards in every suit... and you know you can get in with any off suit. You cut over your teammate, you do what you want to do. and that's ok for the time being... until you dont have a bangin ass hand... and you can't operate any way else.

With that said.. that's all just a big ass metaphor for relationships.

needless to say.. i need a woman who knows how to play spades. forreal.

Emotionally unavailable women. Not the "oh i have a man, so i can't be interested in you" but the "I'm single, and i may be interested in you, but.... i got other shit i need to be doing right now" type. in an ass backwards, painful kinda way... i like that.

I don't know. I say i want a relationship, but that's bullshit, only because i don't know what the hell i'm doing with myself. I aint draggin no one in MY shit. like i aint messed up in the head, but i aint NO WHERE near where i want to be. So i guess the emotionally unavail but interested in you (and that could just be being around one another) seems to work. It's spurts of emotional attachment without the obligation ? And i'm the needy affectionate one. oh well. These kinds of relationships are fun.. but long term i can see them growing tedious. BUTTTTTTTTTTTT

for now? *shrug*


f it.

real post comin later.

Why Barack Obama Should Pardon Lil Wayne

THIS IS SOME SHIT.

now i'm going to sleep. lol. oh lord.

Yea i said it. Lemme start off by saying, no i didn't get the job in ny. And that's ok. I was blown that i failed at my objective, but that's not why i write this.

Have you ever been so passionate about something, that you're willing to compromise on some things? It's like wanting to be with the girl of your dreams, but chasing her to bumblefuck Alabama to be with her. The joy of being with her trumps everything else...

That's how i feel about Education.

I like nice shit. I drive a lexus (albeit a 98) that is paid for. Mine. No lease. Mine. I stroked a check and called it a day. My money. I buy Autumn EVERYTHING she ever thinks about wanting.. She's my princess, and will be treated accordingly. I like tailored suits, and fine upscale eating.

I was willing to give ALL of that up... to teach. Suddenly the 42k (which ends up being 37ish after taxes) became worth it, because I was making an impact. I was getting ignorant (and i mean ignorant as in not knowing...) black men to just THINK about being something besides a rapper, or a basketball player... or a dboy. That alone pushed me to want to teach. To make people even AWARE of the things they COULD be.... a lot of us are doomed because we're not aware in what capacity we can be great in... Not that we're failures, but we just dont know how to mold our talents into something great, because we don't know where to start. I wanted to be that starting block. I had visions of introducing my students to my friends, graphic designers, and minority recruiters,government employees in dc, entrepreneurs and folks sittin on wall street, and telling em... WE WERE THERE. we were the kids who got kicked out of class for insubordination, slept during class all day because we had siblings to take care of while momma worked, and plainly put, we were the kids who didn't pay attention to these kinda things, and wished we did..

I wanted to do that. I wanted to say "look, (most of us) aren't satisfied where we are... and we're doing pretty damn good as it is." We're still hungry. but you stick with us, and we'll tell you all we know so that you can go far. In fact, go beyond where we are. Fuck that. We want to see you do great things.

But somewhere in the process was the hardship of actually getting IN. here's my frustration. A LOT of people do NOT want to be teachers. a lot of people teach because it's the only thing available... "Hi i was a sports management major (because i thought i was going to make it to the nfl,nba) but now i wanna be in teach for america." Yanno, completely undermines the process. (but my problems with tfa are a COMPLETELY separate convo. All I'm saying is you don't see a Doctors for America program. NEXT) I can't get in. AT ALL. and instead of telling me no off rip, they waste my time and money going thru the interviewing process just to tell me no... and never seem to give me a solid reason as to why i'm not good enough for them.

The quick recap: (Let me step offa my high horse but..) I WANT TO TEACH. I understand the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEMS between school districts, not only because i've been to private schools, but well to do public school districts, magnet schools, and public districts that don't have the money to provide the tools for "lowering the achievement gap" between the schools. It's bullshit because i have BIG plans for education, but no one wants to hear me. I don't think you understand. I have some of the brightest minds around me (and a lot of people have that as well..) BUT... I have people who CARE. WHO THINK ABOUT HOW TO BETTER THEIR COMMUNITIES. WHY CAN'T I BE A TOOL FOR THAT? It's not just the people i'm around... i'm not trying to ride the coattails of others. I attract people who reflect how i am. We are ALL concerned. something as basic as twitter reflects that. My twitter feed is (usually) full of intellectual conversation (ok... and a bunch of fuckery, but it's educated fuckery) and WE can make a difference. I'm not in it by myself. No one is. I'm the way i am because my old man cussed me out and whooped my ass until i got it. I'm the way i am because my mother embraced me when i didn't understand what my old man was doing, but damn if she aint kick my ass too. I'm the way i am because my grandmother gave me everything i needed to be successful. I'm the way i am because the people around me help me be great. Period. And it's a damn shame that i can't reflect that in a classroom at an early age. You wonder why people act the way they do? Selfishness. People are inherently selfish. (sorry.) But they're selfish because they have no identity outside of SELF. There's not a community. No one to work hard for. No one to pick you up when you're struggling (not that they aren't there, but you don't have an idea of them existing.) Wonder why all those yt kids do well and wonder why lil liquidasia aint doin well ? Who the hell is her support group? And i understand that we as a people aint got the tools (or money)to allow a kid too much time to "find themselves" BUT SHIT. (i hope that makes some sense).

You know how many times i watched black in america, or those things about "saving the school system" and just shake my head because they always ask the old heads who are completely out of touch with the kids? And you wonder why the kids dont listen? are you fucking serious?

well now that i've ranted about education...

I quit. Not that i can't do it... But damn if the money of the i.t. field doesn't sound better. I mean if i'm going to be this stressed out about things, I might as well count my money right? Pretty shallow, but all this bullshit that i've had to go thru and to be the SAME PLACE i was before i started college? not un. Go get my masters? Spend 20-30k more to make 5k more? KISS MY ASS. oh it's not about the money. you're right. It never has been. but i be damned if being a teacher automatically pays the bills. Kiss my ass with that. It's high on prestige. IS IT? I become the father, caregiver, babysitter, educator, and i can't even get a THANK YOU? shit.

I drove today in the snow (The Snowtorious B.I.G. out here in dc.) and along the way i stopped to help people. i was perfectly fine at home, but I knew that there were gonna be people who needed help. I got one thank you outta 5 people. And that one thank you made it worth it... but damn it's like if people needed help... and they were just like .. NO DONT HELP ME... as they were struggling. That's where i am with education.

I guess i'll write about i.t. later. I'm not nearly as passionate about computers as i am about real people and real problems.. but... Fuck it. *shrug*

I'm sorry i have to end it like that, but i just ended up ranting about education. Does that mean i care? :-\

I should post the email that i wrote my mentor one day.

I really do have some intellectual things to say... but being invested in them enough to write essays on them... That's a commitment i'm not really trying to make in my spare time. And that bothers me. I have all these wonderful ideas and concepts, but yet my monkey ass always decides to be simple. Like everything is only about me. That's not why i think. That's not why i write. It's not about me. It's about those around me who i want to be better. those who push me to work harder, and making a difference. (I promise you this won't be one of those kinda blogs.) I'll say this lil bit more and get to it.. Ever since Cousin Randy passed in November, I've been trying to figure out what kinda experiences i want to have before my time is up.... As if i haven't done enough with my life yet. I'm not satisfied.

Being around a few new friends have gotten me interested in this "higher culture" bullshit. Conflicting, yes. I like speakeasies, i like places that no one knows about, i like clubs and groups that are exclusionary... and i hate the fact that i like this kinda stuff. I like to play dress up, and i like to feel more important than i am (maybe that's part of being in dc, lol) and things like that. I want a G37 convertible and i want to be around people where my g37 isn't SPECIAL. (which kinda contradicts the whole theory of me being an elitist, huh?) I don't want to have to loan out my shit to people, because i want them to have their own. I guess it's that vertical movement shit where my uppity ass thinks i'm the tallest midget, but i'd prefer to be the shortest giant. (wonder if that makes sense). I hate talking, thinking, being like this.. I feel like one of those out of touch ass hampton kids i hate so much. Hell... when i think like this i feel like i'm falling into the hampton stereotype. My father didn't raise me to be like that. well lemme rephrase it.. my father didn't really RAISE me, but he took over after my mother grew tired of tryna whoop my ass. (Think Tre going to live with Furious Styles in Boyz n the Hood? That's me.Not hood at all, but that's the type of parental structure i have.)
I don't wanna be an out of touch selfish bougie "Our Kind Of People" type negro... but.... My experiences would push me to at least examine that. It's quite conflicting. I don't want to compromise my people (I'm big on my people. It may not show, but this is why i choose to teach.) by living lavish and teaching out in suburbia ... wait.. did i say living lavish and teaching? psh. anyways.

All I'm saying is, I like having a different kinda fun. I think a lot of people liek to feel important. It reassures them. Now I'm not looking for reassurance (cause if i did, all i had to do was pledge while at hampton, lmao) but i mean it is nice to have your ego stroked. ego. not a metaphor for anythin else lol. Unno why i'm compelled to write this. OH YEA I DO. i was about to watch crooklyn, then i decided i was gonna watch the inkwell instead. Funny how one little thing can trigger a whole bunch of thoughts.

Hmm. I'm prolly not even gonna watch the movie, maybe i'll just lay back and listen to bill withers... always seems to make the day go by.

and me blogging is posta help me clear my mind? shit. :-|

When I tell you lose my number...

that is not an invite for you to blow up my phone. it's 1:32. i like my sleep. LEAVE ME ALONE. SHIT.

You know what worries me? My friends. Let me preface it by saying, i LOVE my friends... but I worry about them all the time. And it's not the general "oh i hope you're doin iight, i care about your well being" kinda worry, but the "man... are my friends doing things to make progress" kinda worry. It's like letting go of my past. Shedding that skin that you kept for such a long time is scary only because they haven't really done anything to warrant it, just fundamental differences in where we are at this point in time... But it bothers me. All my closest friends are college educated... most of us are grads (and the ones who aren't are pretty much done at this point) and we're all good people... yanno, it's like a reflection of what i go for. You kno that whole your friends are a reflection of you thing. Let me take a step back... because i think that i may come off as thinkin like i'm better than everyone. I'm not. I fuck up just like everyone else.. i didn't graduate on time, and i'm JUST starting to actually be happy with where i am in life... so lemme just toss that out there.

Back on topic: I look at my female friends... ALL of them have jobs. orrrr.... they're in med school. lol. its funny how the people closest to me seem to be movin lateral. I know shit is hard, i understand. but it's just... i don't know. how can the group of girls CONSTANTLY take trips everywhere... leave the country, all star weekends, just enjoying life.... I'm not hating, but damn it aint like it's just an isolated group of women, VARIOUS women get together and have fun. i dont feel like at this point we're capable of doing that. I don't know, i'm conflicted. I know that i'm not completely on it. But it's evident that i've made strides to get to where i wanna be. I can say that about some of my friends. Others i worry about. I just wonder if they'll ever get it goin, yanno? I dont understand why we cant make it happen. There's not too many of us doing well right now... we're back home, we're broke, we're tired. And that bothers me. BUT I UNDERSTAND SHIT IS CRAZY. but.... damn i just dont get it.

Fuck I got distracted.

I think i was essentially getting at this... I have friends who are doing GRANDE things with their lives. I mean they may not be where they wanna be, but you can see... no questions asked, the movement that they're making. I dont know... It's like (and this isn't accurate of my situation) when you're the best person in the group, you know you have a problem. Now i'm not playing holier than thou.... that's not what i'm doin... But man... I got people i call... the pharmacists, the teachers, the doctors and dentists.... (not that i am equating their progress with a job, but...it's nice to have a shared experience)... I dont kno what i'm trying to say. there's people i met in hampton (males) who i wasn't in a rush to be friends with cause i was fine with the folks from back home....

Was i wrong ? Every day it's someone new from my college time doin it big. i'm not anywhere near hating... I'm actually happy that a brotha can make progress in a time where you still can get shot for pullin out your cell phone. I'm there. I feel that. I just wonder if i'm supposed to be hittin happy hour with those folks. I dont kno... It's like half of my boys (if that) from home are professionals at this point... the other half isn't. not that i hate them because they arent, cause i know that if anything would happen they got my back... but .... There's another capacity i'm lookin for at this point. I really wish that all my boys could enjoy being a young black professional... to be able to go out once in a while, enjoyin life. I dont know man... i feel like i'm missin out on a lot of memories cause of finances. Very shallow, i know. But it's real. I worry cause i want my boys to do well... but what if their idea of "doing well" isn't where i think it should be? (like i'm the end all be all or some shit.) I struggle with things like separating from people who are good people jus because of difference. They aren't bad people. not triflin, not ignorant, not selfish. But maybe i'm selfish for wanting this.. I want where all my boys can have some cash. have a job. have shared experiences. Unno. Just some rants.

And this is comin from the teacher who isn't gonna make any money.


sheesh.

Topics for tomarra: Haiti and engagement.

Two catastrophes.

And i finally decide to type something. Of course I haven't been home in a while. Actually i dont have an idea of what "home" is right now. Things are crazy right now, but it's the good crazy. This is prolly the nonsense that recent grads go thru when they don't have any idea what they want to do... That's prolly the closest to my situation. Except everything seems to be working out just fine... just that I'm a teacher, which generally means that if you're not in at the beginning of the year, you just have to wait. I've had quite a few callbacks, and life is great. Cept the potential of getting a career doesn't keep the power on. This whole bills thing wasn't anything i couldn't handle before... i figured it was gonna be the same.... Na not so much. I feel bad cause i have people i have to write checks to.... and generally i wouldn't even have to worry about it, i'd just go in the account and stroke the check. Not so much now. lol. now paying them (while companies owe ME money) means that my shit isn't taken care of. yanno, student loans,rent, credit cards and such... yanno real life stuff. (disclaimer- I AM NOT RICH... although yall love to think i am lol) So when i say this... i mean it. I'm broke. There is no special Brandon Woods version of broke that means i'm not going to be able to shop at best buy this week... i need some more income comin in. ya feel? lol.

Now that i've gotten my financial rant out the way... I'm all types of excited about where I'm going with my life right now. Teaching at Hampton was... interesting.... reminded me why i don't like that place... If you thought it was bad as a student, being an employee was even worse. But i got what i wanted outta it... something to keep me afloat, and a few recommendations. It wasn't a place i would want to spend the next 4-7 years. 30 and being in hampton roads? FAWKDAT. So I'm in D.C. doin some i.t. work to keep me occupied for the time being. Too bad shit costs SO MUCH compared to down there... I just got spoiled. But if you thought D.C. was bad...

I'm set to teach... In NEW YORK. yea. overpopulated, loud, hectic, expensive ass new york. I don't know what the hell happened.. i went from nice and quiet, chill north carolina, to ALLLAAAATHISSHIT! Actually i do kno what happened. In this time where EVERYONE is done with college, it occurred to me that havin all those people that i was fond of (and if you know me... I do not like too many people) aren't gonna be in the same place (not like they were anyways...) but sheesh. But two people closest to me just so happen to be in new york... and the school? dont get me started on how much i love the school. It just seems like a great match for what i'm doing right now. That school had bout 90% black kids.... and only 2 black teachers.
Can't get TOO upset, cause I really feel like black folk just dont wanna teach our own people. So i'm grateful that the white folks do it (even if it is generated because of the good ol white man's guilt...)... wait. did i just say somethin about being grateful that a white person did something? SHEESH. (someone asked me am i irritated with my race... FUCK YES, that's another post tho)

Nonetheless, I'm really excited about being at this school. The structure? REDIC. (and yall know i'm not one for structure. lol) they FORCE the parents to show that they'll be involved, before they'll even CONSIDER to have the kid into their school. They wear an uniform, but when you hit middle school, the boys can wear whatever kind of tie they want. I thought that was cool. Everyone doesn't look the same, but there's still a dress code to follow. It's the little things. The kids are talkin about college at 2nd grade. That's some great shit. I mean to even have that as a concept (cause i'm sure they dont kno what college is)... but to even have a concept of it..... is .... better than some 23 year olds. #jussayinn...

ok i got distracted. and post over. I really hate when i do this. Maybe I'll make up for it with another update today.

A good friend tweeted this and needed some help:
fellas, i need your help w/ something...give me three things that men struggle with (mentally, emotionally, psychologically, etc.)...thanks

I read it as a problem that black men have... and i just kinda went on my own little mental tangent... so.. here we go. here's my one quality contribution to the discussion.

Being as my demographic is prolly african american, i'm sure someone has heard this question before...

WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?

I usta think that only white people asked that. I swore it was a racial question, because white people always got what they wanted. yanno, the whole entitlement shit. Then i went to hampton. then i realized that the question was not a matter of race, but a matter of awareness. When people really want to know why am i so angry, so frustrated, so short fused for stupid shit.

Lemme backtrack. I went home for thanksgivin (eh... thanksgivin..) and one of my teachers... really cool (white) guy.. was talkin to me about a day that we had open house at my ap school... and my father watched me make cat 5 cables. I wasn't the best person at puttin em in order, and crimpin those damn cables... and with him lookin over me, i was REALLY paranoid. it showed, cause next thing i know, i'm fumbling over wires and it just was NOT WORKING. my old man was askin me, you kno what you're doin, and all this stuff... so my teacher comes over to tell my old man what a great student i am in the class, and now i bring personality to the classroom, to try to alleviate some of the pressure. not good at all. so in so many words, now his son is a coon who takes up space in the class. didn't help that i was the only black kid in the class... and my father is the one who taught me how to program and all the computer stuff. I say alla this to say this...

i graduated from high school in 2004. I visited in 2009. The teacher said something to the effect of: how did you come from your father? your demeanor is completely different, and he was all tight, sat up perfect posture, concise words and things like that. it looks like your father plays no games. Now anyone who knows me (or has grown up with me) knows that i'm not like that. I'm laid back, and fun loving.. not to say my father isn't/wasn't... but when you think about me, you think about laughs. you think about randomness, you think about how i'm easygoing or something like that. never would anyone think about calling me angry. lol.

I didn't get it either. i didn't understand why my father could go from being a very giving, wonderful thoughtful person... to a person who was ready to drop kick you just because you didn't get the cat 5 correct. but the older i got... i understood. the tolerance for ineptitude, simplicity, just all over sorry assed shit does not exist. I didn't understand why my great shit was never good enough. when teachers usta tell my father that i was funny, and i was witty... personality traits.. that did nothing. that made him upset. like that was all i had to bring to the table. It wasn't that i couldn't have a personality, but damn if that was the first thing that people thought about me. as if i didn't bring anything of substance to the table. It's hard out here for a black man. it's hard out here just being not white.. but it's really hard out here for a black man. That's why he was so angry. he was tired. tired of workin all day and doin his job better than all the people who were ready to have his ass fired....


more later. sorry. lol.

Relationships and obligations:

It’s not too many people that owe me anything (from an emotional standpoint… a LOT of people owe me money, yet another thing I found that I have in common with my father lol) because I don’t put myself in a position to give that much to people to make me feel like they OWE something to me. It happens, but the very few people that I feel like that, very rarely let me down. You get spoiled when someone treats you really good, and that’s your expectations for other people… because multiple people (who are great people in your life) treat you great. I don’t know if I like the word “owe” in this… makes it feel like I’m calling all the shots, and I did something extraordinary to cause them to be in debt to me… so I think obligated/obligation would be a better replacement. So my thing is… Moral Obligations given the relationship that I share with people. I think I like that better. I refuse to feel that people I let into my life would “fail” me in that situation, especially since the people I choose to have around me I see as a reflection of how I see myself/ treat others. Yes I’ve done my shit. And I understand that this may just be karma whoopin my ass… (because for every one thing you do, in my world… you get it 10 times worse.) but I’ve moved from the stupid things I’ve done. I can’t be anyone’s side dick anymore. That’s like you dating the girl who cheated on her man to be with you… what the hell do you THINK is going to happen? Lmao. But it’s funny… the girl would have a bad day/be mad at her man and call me. WTF. And of course I would pick up lol. But I’ve been done with that for a while. What kills me is seeing people who are just chasing pussy all kinds of satisfied. Is it because they have basic ass needs (as if I’m ohhh so complex :-\ ) so simple shit keeps them content? I’m not on my high horse here, but i’ve been saying this for the last *looks at calendar* 5-6 years? I just wanted a relationship. And it wasn’t one of those, OH I WANNA RELATIONSHIP so I forced it. That’s not what I do (anymore… people who have seen me grow notice that I’ve changed… which you’re posta do. ) But I really haven’t had a relationship since…. Well hell, Brittany. That was nearly 6 years ago? SHEEEEEEEEESH. I’ve talked to people.. been exclusive? But the title… it’s been a while. I know that all this bullshit would alleviate if I had someone to give to. HERES THE PROBLEM. NEVER EVER in my life will I NEED or FEEL THE NEED to have someone else like that. You kno the whole you gotta be happy with yourself thing? In my head, that makes me sorry when you (I) can’t bring shit to the table your damn self, and gotta depend on others for a change:-\ at that. That’s one of the things that drives me nuts. I refuse to expect someone else to make ME better. That’s what IM here for. I hope that makes sense. Nonetheless. Back to obligations.. (I aint forgot)I find myself as of recently saying something of the sort:
“I kno you don’t owe me shit but…”
“You’re not obligated by any means but damn did you think that….”
You know when you’re forced (or feel forced) to do something, it’s always a question as if the act is sincere? You didn’t say I love you because you actually love the girl, you were saying it cause she was ridin the shit outta the d, and she said it… and you’d do anything to make sure she aint stop? Ask yourself why you respond in the manner you do. Why do people even say I love you? Half the time it’s just to avoid the awkwardness in leaving the other person hanging.. lol. Lets be forreal.
When people don’t have to do things for you, and STILL do? It’s great because it means that they sincerely give a fuck (ORRR they’re just setting you up to stab you in the back) about you and your well being, and want you to do well. You get comfortable, and expect it consistently (because it’s reciprocated between the two of you) but damn I think it hurts the worst when they don’t come thru. It’s like the investment just going down. The thing is, it’s never been anything where it’s been like “oh you betrayed me” but just like… damn, that’s how you do me now? I guess that comes with the higher expectations of being close for so long. It’s hard enough caring for people and their well being, just because it’s “right”… it’s even worse when your ass continues to care about them after their decisions/actions hurt you in any capacity. Now I’m not saying that to say they need to be completely considerate of my feelings… f that. GET YOURS. I’m a big advocate of getting yours. It’s just at what expense do you do the things you do to get what you want? Right now, I don’t really feel like having a heart to heart with a friend of mine who smashed the homie (actually… I don’t kno if smashing the homie was the thing, I think it was that she aint tell me.. hmm.) or havin too much convo with a friend who’s kissin someone I was close with…. Hell don’t feel like tryna talk to her to soothe her guilt about the whole thing. Here’s my blessing, go on with it, do what you do and get outta my face. I’m not gonna waste time forcing conversation. I don’t do the territorial stuff. They aren’t MINE. They don’t belong to me. They don’t owe me shit.
No, you don’t owe me shit… but I thought that we had each other’s back? I don’t know..
Here’s my thing. I pride myself in being very fair with my shit. I’m not makin you happy? That’s my fault… I refuse to get in the way of YOUR happiness. If anyone feels you, it’s me. I guess it bothers me when people just can’t be honest with me. I mean I still hurt, but shit… lol. I don’t know whats going on right now, it’s a hell of a lot of things going on that I haven’t even started to write… And now “Orange Moon” came on the itunes… and the story of that woman is a long ass post in itself. Put it this way though, I don’t like going into my shell, but at times that’s the only thing that will give you protection and peace in a chaotic world. Brittany told me when I moved from Michigan to Maryland “You know you can’t run from everything”.... she’s right. Can’t run from everything. But this one I’m just gonna take the run card, sit back mind my business, and figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Ohhhh cousin randy you woulda loved this shit. Miss ya man.